Testimony from Rick Floyd
Chapter 2, "Where Are You?" is on this page.
Go to Chapter 1 "Stranded But Not Forgotten"
Jump to Chapter 3 "Be Still and Know"
Rick has a longer book, titled Gerald Preach online at http://www.booklocker.com/bookpages/rfloyd.html
"WHERE ARE
YOU?"
by Rick Floyd
It was a warm, December day in Phoenix with its blue skies and
gentle breezes that have become synonymous with its paradise
reputation. I heard the birds singing and thought to myself that
they were just as happy to be there as I was. They had come south
to escape the harsh winter and so had I, but I had an ulterior
motive. I was back in Phoenix to find some security. I thought
it was time that something good should happen in my life. I
wanted to feel warm and joyful inside just like the birds did.
I
was coming full circle by moving back to Phoenix. The company
that I had worked for had sent a co-worker and me to Los Angeles
to open a franchise office. The new owner did not have enough
funds to properly break into the market. Our efforts to succeed
were slow in bearing fruit and the allotted finances soon ran
out. That was one more disappointment in my life and I
couldn’t accept it sitting still. Deeply frustrated by the
failed effort, I decided to pack my bags and fly to Denver. I had
recently talked with a friend there who said he could get me
work. My commitment to stay in Denver would take me only as far
as the first snow. Then, at the request of my sister, I visited
Kansas City, where the string of life's hazards followed me.
But soon, I had followed my growing compulsion to return to
Phoenix, where I had hoped to regain some peace of mind and I was
very glad to be back.
I
had miraculously survived a blizzard on that trip back to Phoenix
from Kansas City. The experience had thoroughly drained me.
Several times I had faced the realization that I could die
in that fierce
storm. But for the first time in my life, I had prayed to the
unseen God to deliver me. It was true that I was praying to
someone or something that I didn't believe in. My deepest need
had humbled me, so that I had to reach outside of myself for
help. I had been humbled by my need but the experience was short
lived.
Once my crisis was over, I forgot my prayers, and I left my humility behind. I not only returned to Phoenix but I also went back to my old thoughts and ways. Again, I was in control and I would be the one to set the path for my feet. Even so, there was a part my trip experience that would continue within me. As it had been with all the trials of my life, I constantly evaluated my experiences and my blizzard experience revisited my memory from time to time.
Being
in that blizzard and facing my mortality was very sobering. I
can still vividly remember the myriad of thoughts that paraded
before me, as I sluggishly drove through the deep snow drifting
across I-40 in the middle of New Mexico. At best, I could see
only about forty to fifty feet into the white haze of falling
flakes. As the snow fell before me in hypnotic fashion, I was
drawn back in time as my life was passed in front of me.
Thinking
back, I could not remember ever being very happy. Even at the
early age of three, I knew the toll of unhappiness. Though my
thoughts were not yet mature enough, I knew that what life was
showing me was not the way it should be. Deep inside, I yearned,
knowing that one day I would find what I needed. Small though it
was, this faith stayed with me as I grew toward my adulthood.
Nothing
seemed to go right for me in my early years. My self-image
suffered by the words of those who tore me down. It may not have
been their conscious efforts, but the sting of their words had no
less the affect. As a result, I became introverted. I avoided
interactions with peers that didn’t have an immediate
tangent to my existence. Instead, I would watch those around me
from an introverted distance. I held them at arms length and
didn’t allow them to have any opportunity to disappoint me
any more than I already was with life.
Bad
dreams frequently interrupted my sleep and my peace. They were
regular and predictable. On many occasions, they would wake me
several times a night. It would be years before I would gain any
understanding of what those dreams meant.
There
seemed to be very little happiness in my family. I discerned in
my parents the strife they tried to hide between them. My
brothers and sisters were not close to each other or to me. I
felt like just one more burden to all of them.
Entering
into school was traumatic because I had not been able to trust
strangers. When those who are supposed to be close to you cause
you pain, how can strangers be trusted with your happiness? The
only way I could control my life was to keep people at a
distance. This attitude continued to plague me into my adult
life. I yearned to be accepted by my classmates yet I would not
let myself trust them. This caused many of them to stay clear of
me. Thus, I became both loner and lonely. I don’t know
until this day if my parents ever knew how unhappy or troubled I
was. There were enough challenges in life to keep them distracted
from realizing my problems.
My
school experience was a dismal one. I had not learned how to
learn. My grades were poor and I retained very little of the
information that I did learn. Finally, in the eight grade, I had
a teacher show me that I could do well if I could keep the right
focus. It would not be until my last year of high school that
another teacher would teach me that I was an individual with
something of value to share with others.
In 1965, after high school graduation, I knew it would be a short time before I would be drafted into the Army. I realized that it was very likely that I would go to Vietnam. By this time in my life, I figured things couldn't get much worse. I felt as if any control I'd had was slipping through my fingers and the world would shove me where it wanted me. I resigned myself to the fate that I knew awaited me and it wasn’t long for it’s reality. When I received my combat orders, it was like a slap in the face. I had always been able to hold the future at arm's length, but I wasn't able to avoid it this time. The only way I could escape what I dreaded was to count myself as already dead. I was sure that I would not return from Vietnam alive so I saw myself as already a “dead man walking”, as they describe convicts on death row. Strangely enough, I found some peace in this attitude. I didn't have to worry about dying if I was already dead. To this day I'm sure this helped me survive where many others overreacted in their anxieties and made bad mistakes. They used drugs and alcohol in an effort to escape the reality of what they witnessed and endured. The thought of getting killed or badly maimed was more than their minds could handle. The tension that gripped their souls in a personal prison contributed to their death. I was very fortunate and was very glad that I had made it through alive and unhurt.
My
childhood had stored up many questions, but by the time I had
left Vietnam I had accumulated a myriad questions about
everything under the sun. I still held to my hope of something
better, but where would I find it? I didn't know.
While
overseas, I decided that if I did get home I wanted my share of
the "American Dream." A wife, a son, a two-car garage
and a good paying job were the epitome of bliss. I thought that
these would make me happy. They are what I had pictured in my
mind as the ultimate happiness. If I could but attain these goals
of life then I would have it made. How could I be anything but
happy?
When I left the army, I enrolled in college. I had presumed this
to be my first step toward my “happiness goal.” I found
that I was so unsettled in my mind from my combat experience that
trying to learn anything was almost impossible. My thoughts were
so distracted by my recent experience that studying books and
focusing in class were next to impossible. After a year, I
decided to try night school while working a day job. That effort
failed also. Finally, I settled into the work-a-day world and
dropped out of school.
When
the opportunity presented itself (and this is an apt
description), I was married. Finally, a son was born. While I
only had a carport instead of a two-car garage, it was a good
experience most of the time. The days progressed and our worldly
goods increased. Our son was the joy of our days and we focused
our attention on his growing needs. We lived the best we knew how
and we had much to be thankful for.
In
my fourth year of marriage things started going sour. Something
was wrong. All the things that I thought would make me happy
didn't. I had worked hard at being a good family man and I cared
for my family. Something was missing. Something was just beyond
my reach and my understanding. There was still an emptiness
gnawing at me down deep inside. I had achieved my dreams of a
family, a job and material things but it did not satisfy me as
I'd hoped for. Deep inside of me was a silent scream for
understanding.
This
emptiness disrupted my relationship with my wife. She could not
understand, because I couldn't explain what was happening in
me. Without getting into personal details, I can attest to the
fact that it wrecked our marriage. I started groping for anything
that would fill this void in me. Unfortunately my efforts only
brought me more pain. My wife divorced me and took my son. My
world crumbled. Everything came down on top of me. The rejection
of divorce hit me very hard. I perceived myself as a very bad
person and I only wanted to punish myself.
I
could not fathom my problem. There was no perceived explanation
available. As hard as I tried, nothing seemed to help. I lost my
self-confidence and became reluctant to choose my next step,
thinking it was useless. It's a deep pit to fall into when every
turn seems to bring another failure.
I needed a change of everything, so I took a desperate chance
and moved to Arizona. The job I'd been promised there did not
turn out to be what I'd hoped. I had envisioned enough money to
put my life back together and to be able to keep in touch with my
son. My ex-wife turned bitter towards me and erased me from her
and my son's lives. My alcohol intake increased dramatically as I
tried to forget my misery. Each morning I would awake to the same
nagging emptiness and my search would continue. Even after all
that had gone wrong, I still had this deep abiding hope for
something better and I clinged to it faithfully. I confess that
with each failure my resolve weakened. Everyday was not a crisis
and there were some happy moments to cherish, but it was when I
took time to evaluate my life's direction that I became
disappointed.
The
picture of my life that passed through my mind was not a
cherished one. A gusting crosswind hit the van tearing me out of
my thoughts. I was not sure how many miles or minutes had passed
in my flashback. A second gust of wind pulled at me and I
struggled
to stay on the
road. I feared that I might spin out of control and into the
ditch where I would be stranded and maybe die. Somewhere from a
distance I heard a voice ask, "Where are you?"
Responding to my thoughts, I answered, "I'm driving in the
worst blizzard I've ever seen." That was the wrong answer,
because I didn't understand the question or where it really was
coming from. I had heard this question in my mind many times
before. For me it was not where I was but where I wanted to be
that was important. I was hoping that returning to Phoenix would
provide me a chance to regain control of my life and establish
some security and peace of mind.
After
arriving back in Phoenix, I was eager to accomplish something
good. I was well meaning in my intentions and I put forth efforts
to improve each day. This led me to my next experience, which was
to prove just as unforgettable. Unfortunately, I was to be
disappointed yet again.
Being
by myself was never appealing to me. I wanted a companion to
share life with. When I did find someone that seemed compatible,
I decided to live with her rather than get married. This bothered
my conscience but I justified the action thinking it would be
easier to go our separate ways if the relationship failed. I
should have known better. Whenever I went against my conscience,
disaster was always at my door. I always sought after good
things but in the wrong way. I was missing the right formula for
success. We broke up with turmoil in our wake.
I
was sitting in a bar one day after work. This had become a bad
habit. An almost audible voice interrupted the loud music around
me. I thought it was my mind once again asking the question,
"Where are you?" It had become a familiar question for
me. I looked at the scene around me. This time the voice seemed
much louder. "Where are you?" The answer seemed obvious
but unsatisfactory. I looked at the beer in my hand, and I had
the sudden realization that I was slowly drinking myself to
death. I knew that I was already as good as dead if I didn't make
some changes soon. I set down the beer and left with a vow in
my heart to find a better road. I had reached the bottom of my
ladder and the bottom rung was broken. My next step would be an
important one.
I
had learned to be a reader in my life's search for answers. Books
often provided me an escape from my present realities. A friend
offered me a small paperback one day. I read it through quickly
with every page drawing me to the next. I read it five times
before finally putting it down. What I had read turned on a light
in my dark world. It was a missionary book depicting end time
Bible prophesies in a dramatized form. Somehow it rang a bell of
truth for me. If what I was reading was anywhere close to true, I
wanted to know more. I had attempted reading the Bible many
times, but it had never made any sense to me. Opening it up this
time was different. I was hungry to understand where I fit into
all this new information I had found. This was a brand knew
experience. The many questions I had carried through life
were beginning to find answers. I had been an atheist for quite
awhile. I couldn’t believe in something I couldn't see, and
that included a God that many others others had offered to me. I
could only trust myself and this had become my personal prison
with walls high enough to protect me.
One
day I was reading in Genesis where God was walking in the Garden
looking for Adam and Eve after committing their sin. He called
out to them, "Where art thou?" This caught my attention
quickly. "Where are you?" was the question posed by
God. I again heard the question of old echoing in my mind from
all those previous ocassions. It had been GOD calling to me to
get my attention. I studied Adam and Eve’s story more
closely. I finally realized that I had been in rebellion against
God just like Adam and Eve and was unaware of it. My God had
come looking for me to show me where I was and how I could have
that emptiness of heart filled. He had plans for me but needed my
cooperation to fulfill my needs.
Viewing him on the cross touched me deeply and then I finally
knew what I had been looking for. "That something
better" I'd been looking for had been waiting for the
opportunity to get my attention. There was a big change that took
place in me. Learning the "Good News" gave my life
some meaning and gave me a new direction.
Eighteen
months after saying my first prayers for deliverance, I was
baptized. On September 4, 1980, I made a decision to follow Jesus
where He would lead me. Drastic changes were to
take place in my
life and in my heart. Learning obedience to His loving will for
me would turn my life and habits around. I gave Him my life and
He filled up the void. The restlessness and emptiness were gone.
He became my best friend as I learned to trust Him. This gave me
a different outlook on life and experiences to come. The end to
an old life brought a beginning to a new one. My new adventure
would be one of gaining victories over my rebellious heart and
maintaining peace in Him. All my praise goes to Him and His great
love for my soul. PRAISE GOD!!!
Go to Chapter 1 "Stranded But Not Forgotten"
Jump to Chapter 3 "Be Still and Know"
If you want to reach the author you may email him at krickf@myworldmail.com