Q: How can you tell if your child is just going through a phase, or if he has developed a serious personality flaw that is going to persist? A: You bring up an excellent point. In my work with new teachers, I find that many problems arise when the adult in charge is unfamiliar with the developmental stages of children. Reprimanding a toddler for "not sharing," for example, when that child is unable to fully comprehend the concept, only leads to frustration on the part of both adult and child. As we familiarize ourselves with what is happening—physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally---to a typical span of children at a particular age, we can be more rational and realistic in our expectations and demands of those in our care. God designed human beings with a drawn-out developmental process that is unparalleled anywhere else in nature. Within a week, baby birds are out of the nest and flying. Colts spring to mobility just hours after birth. Puppies are ready to leave their mothers in six weeks. But it takes about 18 years to refine and grow a person to the point of being ready to enter adult human society. That should tell us something! God wants us to be patient and understanding of the gawky and awkward stages that our children encounter, because he deliberately set up a maturation process that takes a couple of decades to complete. Yet in the midst of all these "natural" twists and turns, the question persists. How do you know when your child is manifesting a trait that is typically age-related and will pass with time, or whether a tough habit is setting down permanent roots? I would suggest that you begin by doing some serious reading which will familiarize you with what to expect of your child at different ages. The classic in the field, Psychology of the Child, written by Jean Piaget, is always a good place to start. Next, jot down specific areas of concern and seek out those who have spent many years working with children the same age as your son or daughter. Ask if your child seems to stand out as clearly outside the norm or whether what you are experiencing at home is within the range of the expected. Be careful about comparing your child to one or two other boys or girls in your neighborhood or church who seem to be more advanced or better-behaved. There is a lot of room for variation along the developmental continuum. Researchers have discovered that children vary greatly in such areas as activity levels, attention spans, ability to adjust to new situations, etc. These personal qualities inter-play with the strong traits that characterize various developmental stages. For example, most teenagers experience dramatic mood swings. By nature, some teens will be far more intense in their expression of joy and anger. The intensity is part of who they are. The mood swings come with the teenage territory. As adults, it is our job to understand the context from which our children operate and nurture them along the road to adulthood, valuing their uniqueness and not attaching too much significance to traits which are a typical part of the growing-up process. This is not to imply that we should not correct our children for inappropriate behavior. However, it’s important not to get so bogged down with correcting every perceived flaw that we forget to encourage, upbuild and uplift. Our children, too, get discouraged when they experience rocky phases in their growing up years. As we learn what to expect, or think back on our own childhood and adolescence, we can reassure our children that what they are experiencing is "normal" and will smooth out with time. I am afraid that sometimes, as we work with children, we forget what it is like to be a child. It has been said that children think differently from adults, but feel the same. Too often, we as adults, operate from just the opposite perspective—as if children think the same as we do, but feel differently. We assume that their logic and reasoning abilities should lead them to adult conclusions, and when this does not happen, we quickly confront, forgetting the feelings that we would not dare trample, were we dealing with an adult. May God bless you as you look at your child as a whole person—one whose emotions, intellect, and physical maturation are all involved in a process that cannot be hurried. Sandra Doran, Ed.D., and her pastor-husband are the parents of two teenaged sons.

Sandra Finley Doran, Ed.D., PowerLines 2028 Bluff Oak St. Apopka, FL 32712-3945 (407) 889-5524 email powerlines@juno.com

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