Q: I am confused over the concept of the "over-protective" mother. How can you tell when to "back off" and let your child experience the consequences of his own actions? If a ship is sinking, do you just watch it go down? A: You have brought up a topic which is clearly connected to a very vulnerable spot within your heart. Evidently, someone has accused you of being an "over-protective mother." You are left in a difficult place. Do you stand back and watch your child sink deeper and deeper into an ongoing problem, or take control, with fears of over-doing it and making the problem worse? How can you tell when you've gone too far, or haven't gone far enough, in attempting to help your child? I would draw a distinction between the "over-protective mother" and the parent who is rightfully advocating for a child in need. An over-protective mother shields her child from the consequences of his own actions, never allowing him to fail, even when it might be healthy for his own personal growth. An advocate, on the other hand, identifies broad areas in which the child is "stuck" in a failure cycle (emotionally, socially, academically, etc.) and connects him to sources of help. An overprotective parent removes all choices from a child, selecting friends, curtailing activities that involve risk, fighting his battles. An advocate teaches a child to make his own informed choices, stepping in only when a difference of opinion may lead to disastrous consequences. An overprotective parent weakens her child's belief in his ability to solve his own problems. An advocate empowers a child to conquer the world. While a truly over-involved parent can strip a child of power, leaving him with little motivation or desire to accomplish his own goals, such a term can be used disparagingly by people with an agenda to weaken the resolve of mothers and fathers determined to advocate for their children. How well I remember sitting around a conference table, trying in vain to convince a group of "professionals" that my son needed further testing to identify some of his learning struggles. I only needed to "back off," they advised, stop being an "over-protective mother" and allow him to blossom without any further parental meddling. I refused to let such a title hamper me from advocating for my child's needs. My quest for understanding led me to quit my job as the administrator of a school, negotiate my way by train and subway system into a city I'd never entered, deposit myself on the campus of an institution of higher education, and emerge four years later with a doctoral degree and enough knowledge to change my son's life. I have known determined mothers who have followed up on every lead, researched every clue, asked every question, until they have found what it takes to help a struggling child. I have known determined mothers who have fought with, cried over, cajoled, coaxed, pleaded, taught, bought, bribed, baby-stepped their errant sons and daughters back to wholeness, success, the narrow path. I become concerned when I hear terms like "over-protective mother" being thrown around by those who would profess to know it all. Until you have watched a child struggle unsuccessfully to read, received the horrifying news that your daughter has been caught downtown smoking pot, found the notebook full of suicidal messages, you will never know what it means to give your all to win a child back. Overprotective mother? I say, Follow your heart. Don't ignore the warning signs. If the ship is sinking, seek the help of the experts, not the heckling mob yelling one-liners from the shore. Don't be deterred by labels that are meant to humiliate you as you desperately seek to respond to the red flags that signal that the ship is indeed going down. Sometimes, a so-called "over-protective" mother is all that stands between a child and self-destruction. Stand your ground. Do your homework. Find ways to empower your child. Connect him to sources of help. Play the role of advocate. And when it is time, get out of the way. Sandra Doran's book, Gathering, published by Pacific Press and co-authored with her sister Dale Slongwhite, is listed as a valuable resource by #1 best-seller Cheryl Richardson in her new book, Life Makeovers.

Sandra Finley Doran, Ed.D., PowerLines 2028 Bluff Oak St. Apopka, FL 32712-3945 (407) 889-5524 email powerlines@juno.com

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