Q: I am a professional who has attended a large congregation for many years, but have felt lonely and isolated for most of my adult life. In many ways I am angry that no one has bothered to pull me into the social circle. What do you think I should do about this? A: I am saddened to hear that you have lived most of your adult life in an unhappy state. It must be very difficult to feel so disconnected from those in your church and place of work. However, I am not sure that blaming church members for your sadness and isolation will lead you towards solutions. While all of us experience loneliness at some point in our lives, the issue of "chronic loneliness" suggests to me that you are dealing with a problem that will not be easily solved by a few dinner invitations. Why do people find themselves faced with loneliness? Many external factors can lead to periods of loneliness: moving to a new location, losing a loved one, changing jobs, children leaving the home, physical problems. All of these things can leave us feeling detached from the social connections that we so desperately need to survive emotionally. But beyond the obvious, people sometimes feel lonely for months and years, even when a major life-changing event has not occurred. Why these extended periods of loneliness, stretching, as you have described, over the course of an entire adult existence? Those who have studied loneliness describe it as a "multidimensional problem," with many possible root causes. Over the past twenty years, researchers have found that chronically lonely people: [1] May have difficulty socially, paying less attention to others in conversation, changing topics more frequently, and asking fewer questions about the other person. Often view themselves as socially incompetent. Have greater difficulty than nonlonely people in finding solutions to their interpersonal problems. Tend to blame themselves or others for their unhappiness and do not see a way out. Have unrealistic expectations about what their social life should look like. Describe themselves in very negative ways. Feel pessimistic, disliked, unappreciated, inadequate, worthless, and spiritually empty. Often experience depression and anxiety. Sometimes turn to alcoholism. Can experience negative physical symptoms. Obviously this list is not a carte blanche description of everyone facing loneliness. However, if you are beginning to see a few "red flags" here, you might want to consider seeking professional help for your chronic loneliness. Viewing it as a problem that can be addressed can help you to "take back control," and move out of the angry, guilty place that you now occupy. As a Christian, you are fortunate to have a solid, healthy base from which to build. You might want to begin your journey out of loneliness by undertaking a serious study of God’s word, assuring yourself of your worth and value as a child of the Heavenly Father. While you may feel lonely and cast off, you are a recipient of God’s grace, a valued son of the Most High. Nothing you can ever do, no social blunder, no public rejection, will ever separate you from His love. I find the words of Paul to be immensely energizing: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For your sake we face death all day long: we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:34-39, NIV). What a promise! While the defining feature of loneliness is a feeling of separation, the Scriptures assure us that nothing can separate us from the love of God! Commit these verses to memory. Post them on your refrigerator. Refer to them when that painful, hollow feeling threatens to consume you. While I do not believe that your loneliness will disappear overnight, I am confident that you can experience social connection and meaning. Seek professional help. Address the big picture. Study God’s promises. Reach out to others. There’s a world of warmth and acceptance waiting for you. [1] Richard Booth, "Loneliness as A Component of Psychiatric Disorders." Medscape Mental Health, October 20, 2000, Volume 4, Issue 31. Sandra Doran, Ed.D., lives in Florida with her husband and two teenaged sons.

Sandra Finley Doran, Ed.D., PowerLines 2028 Bluff Oak St. Apopka, FL 32712-3945 (407) 889-5524 email powerlines@juno.com

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