Q: My fiance and I seem to be always fighting, yet we love each other and are determined to go through with the marriage. Do you think we are destined for divorce? A: I think you are wise to stop and take a serious look at the "red flags" that are apparent at this stage of the relationship. It is important to begin analyzing the nature of your conflicts, working on constructive ways to resolve differences, and praying for God’s guidance as you keep your eyes wide open to issues which may persist should you remain together. Fortunately, much research has been done which can give you a framework for beginning to examine and work on your relationship. In one study[1], a team of Christian researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, beginning before they were married. Interestingly enough, the researchers did not discover any significant correlation between specific positive traits and marriages that lasted. They did, however, find a cluster of negative traits which were predictive of unhappiness or divorce. As you take an honest look at the way you and your boyfriend relate to one another, consider whether any of these traits are present. If they are, now is the time to solicit help in reversing these patterns. First, couples who were at risk for divorce tended to escalate problems when dealing with a conflict. "Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile."[2] Can you and your boyfriend disagree without ending up in a power struggle or shouting match? Do you find yourself backing down, just to keep the peace? The second risk factor noted by the researchers was invalidation, "a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other."[3] Does your boyfriend ever make you feel small? Are you often embarrassed when around him, feeling less intelligent, less attractive, less worthy of him than he is of you? Third, couples at risk tended to "constantly believe that the motives of the other were more negative" than actually intended.[4] Negative interpretations tend to box in a person. Misunderstood, they lash out in desperation to explain their viewpoint, only to be met with further false assumptions as to motive. Do you ever find yourself trying to explain to your boyfriend that that was not what you meant at all? Do you ever feel hopeless, powerless to explain that you really do love him, that he is trying to read your mind and missing the signals? Conversely, could you be guilty of negative interpretations, of never giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt? Finally, couples whose marriages did not last tended to engage in a game of "hide and seek" whenever conflict arose, withdrawing and avoiding one another whenever they did not see eye-to-eye[5]. Is disagreeing so painful that it is just easier to walk into another room, slam the door, whirl away from one another? As you think about the "fights" that characterize your rocky dating relationship, look for evidence of these four traits. There is a big difference between a healthy, constructive argument and a demeaning power-struggle which ends with hurt feelings, wrong assumptions, and one partner feeling down-trodden and maligned. If you feel that your relationship is characterized by the latter, I would take serious steps to try and get help. If, after engaging in consistent counseling sessions, things do not turn around, I would strongly urge you to re-consider your commitment to this man. Either he is saddled by deeply-entrenched negative personality problems which are bound to make you miserable for the rest of your life, or you , yourself need to do a major amount of work before tying another person to a conflicted, troublesome home. In either case, moving forward is the wrong move to make right now. [1] Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, and Milt Bryan. A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. San Francisco: Jossey Bass, 1998. [2] Ibid, p. 29. [3] Ibid, p. 32 [4] Ibid, p. 35 [5] Ibid, p. 40 Sandra Doran, Ed.D. is a speaker, author, and educator. Her monthly Signs columns are posted on her web page at www.tagnet.org/powerlines.

Sandra Finley Doran, Ed.D. 2028 Bluff Oak St. Apopka, FL 32712-3945 (407) 889-5524 email powerlines@juno.com

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