Q: My daughter is 29 years old, single, and has abandoned our church. Every time she calls me, she seems to need money for something. I don't want to make her angry and further isolate her from our church, but I can't just keep putting out. How far should I stretch to try and help my daughter? A: Your question indicates to me that you are having a hard time understanding boundaries. Your daughter's salvation has nothing to do with whether you appease her by giving her money. In fact, your daughter's salvation has nothing to do with you at all. Your daughter is an adult woman, capable of making her own choices. As painful as it may feel, she has chosen not to attend the church of her childhood right now. Perhaps some day she will reverse that decision and once again occupy a pew in the tradition in which she was raised. But right now, that is not the case. Whether you give her money or tighten your purse strings, your daughter is not a church-goer. The truth cannot be stated otherwise. The only person that you can change in this situation is yourself. I suspect that your daughter is fully aware of the internal turmoil you experience as a result of her disconnection from your church. It is possible that she uses this knowledge as leverage in obtaining what she wants from you. Viewing your daughter's emotional responses as a barometer of her potential interest in the church puts you in a totally vulnerable position. What daughter wants, daughter gets. Daughter is happy. Mother's hope rises. And the cycle continues. In deciding whether or not to give your daughter money, begin by making a clear separation between her requests and your desire for her to return to church. Many parents of adult children face the hard question when the phone rings and a son or daughter laments a broken washer, flat tire, dental problem, loss of work. The issue is a complicated one. Every fiber of your being has been conditioned, from the time this child was born, to protect, nurture, advocate, resolve, repair. Now that the child is an adult, the rules have changed. Bail-out may lead to even greater problems—over-dependency, lack of connection between cause-and-effect, immaturity. The decision to help your daughter is an entirely personal one. I would advise you to ask yourself some hard questions. Is your daughter becoming overly dependent on you? Can she make it through the month on her own pay-check without needing extra help? Does she immediately turn to you whenever she finds herself in a bind? Do you respond to her requests more out of guilt than anything else? If you do say "No," is there a strain in the relationship? Do your needs matter at all — to you or to her? If your daughter works in a job that barely supports her, perhaps you might assist in concrete ways which will lead to her independence. Funding coursework, helping with a move, buying her a new suit for a job interview—all of these gestures might ultimately lead to financial security on the part of your daughter. Perhaps these kinds of requests might take priority. Whatever you decide to give or not give to your daughter, she needs to understand that you have the right to choose what you will do with your own money. You are a person in your own right with needs, wants, and financial obligations. If you are anything like the rest of us, some months are easier for you than others. Under no circumstance should you ever feel that, regardless of personal straits, you must say "yes" to your daughter in order to keep her happy. As parents, we have gotten the message on unconditional love. We are to love our children, no matter what. But the concept is not unilateral. Unconditional love should also flow from our adult children back to us. Your adult daughter should love you, whether or not you are able to supply her financial needs. If she chooses to withhold love or affection when she does not get what she wants, she is entering into the arena of emotional manipulation. If you find that happening, refuse to play the game. Sandra Doran, Ed.D. is an associate superintendent for the Florida Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. She posts her monthly columns on her web site. Read them on-line at www.tagnet.org/powerlines.

Sandra Finley Doran, Ed.D. 2028 Bluff Oak St. Apopka, FL 32712-3945 (407) 889-5524 email powerlines@juno.com

Copyright © 2001..2003 by PowerLines, All rights reserved.