Adventist Humor

from Adventist fm



Children's letters to God
Entered from -illustrations@onelist.com April 3, 1999
Funny Isn't It??
Entered from -illustrations@onelist.com April 3, 1999
The philosphy of toys
Daniel Davis Daniel.Davis@nashville.com Here's some philosophy of toys:
Entered March 31, 1999
Billboard messages
These 17 messages have appeared on billboards and buses in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. during September, October and November. The Smith Agency in charge of the advertising campaign said an anonymous individual is footing the bill. They have caused quite a stir. Here are the messages: Entered Gail Almodovar joy7x7@yahoo.com in SDAnet March 31, 1999
Slow death
Health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Entered Jereth Kok jereth@alphalink.com.au March 31, 1999
Name of yacht
An Adventist minister saves for most of his life to buy a yacht. Finally he accumulates enough money and buys a yacht which he promptly names "The Desire of Ages". The name upsets many in his flock, to the extent that a delegation goes to see the conference president. The conference president agrees the name is beyond good taste so he approaches the pastor on the matter. The pastor then renames the boat "The Great Controversy".

Entered Russell Schulz of mait@iniaccess.net.au March 31, 1999
More bulletin bloopers
For those of you who love blooper jokes. Here we go to brighten up you day. Are you all smiling? You had better be -- Renie
Entered from SDAnet March 31, 1999
The Lord's prayer
There were two American Senators who were having a spirited debate outside the Senate regarding new legislation. The first Senator said to the other, "You think that you are so smart, and you don't even understand the religious implications of this legislation. I'll bet you $20 that you don't even know the Lord's Prayer". The second Senator said "I do so". "OK let's hear it then" replied the first Senator. The second Senator started, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thee Lord my soul to keep. That if I die before I wake, I pray thee Lord my soul to take" The first Sentor was taken by surprise and said "I didn't think you knew it", as he proceeded to give the second Senator $20 from his wallet.
Entered March 31, 1999
Come here!
Last Saturday I was at a small prophetic gathering at our church. The thought of being unqualified to go in to the throne room passed through my mind and immediately a Calvin and Hobbs cartoon strip I had seen came into a brand new light... It was four panels long and went like this:

1. (Calvin standing at the front door) He yells "Mom!!!!! MoOOomm!!!"

2. (Calvin's Mother in the kitchen) She shouts back, "Calvin, if you've got something to tell me come in here and quite yelling."

3. (He tromps through the living room into the kitchen)

4. He looks up at her and says, "I stepped in dog do in the yard, Mom. Where's the hose?"

Sometimes, feeling very unqualified, I stand outside the door ashamed to go in for what's on me. Yet, I must see myself as obediently bold as lil' Calvin and let my Father wash me, cleanse me, restore me, fill me, heal me, live in me, pursue me, love me. When will I realize Papa that all my fountains are in You... He sings over me... "You are so beautiful... to me...."
Entered March 31, 1999

Adventist lightbulb jokes--one more
Q: How many Historic/Independent Ministry Adventists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one. But 14 more will write newsletters about it. Seven will claim that they did it, while the other seven will claim they saw it done, and point out all the errors that occurred while doing it.
Entered Pastor Steve Johnson Waxahachie SDA Waxahachie, Texas March 31, 1999

The stairway
The Stairway to Heaven, the SDA touts,
Is a strenuous route for the stoutest of scouts;
A circuitous climb that will leave one no doubts
As to why none have breath for their "Victory!" shouts.
Steve Johnson, 12/16/98
Entered March 31, 1999
Catholic dictionary
How's this? You can change, delete, enjoy, adjust to church of your choice.

The Catholic Dictionary:

Entered Susan Tandy Dunham March 31, 1999
Medical definitions
There are so many SDAs in the medical field (as in my home) that some of this might be useful. Medical humor is among the rawest and funniest. I feel sorry for those who can't laugh at religious humor. Christians shouldn't afraid to have fun. That doesn't say much about our God, who surely laughs at us humans!
Entered Susan Tandy Dunham March 31, 1999
Look up
How can tell a Seventh-day Adventist Church from any other Protestant Church? Instead of a steeple, it has a Satelite Dish on the roof.
Entered Warren Ritchie Christianson wrc@goldrush.com March 31, 1999
Deadly conversation
One day I felt the need to see a doctor. After checking me over, he asked to see my wife, Betty, in the next room. My ear happened to be next to the wall, so I heard some of the conversation. The doctor told Betty I needed a change of pace to insure that I would continue to live. He told her to have me quit work and never let me do any chores around the house -- to do everything possible for me and keep me comfortable and happy. Naturally, on the way home I asked Betty what the doctor had said -- her reply, "Yer gonna die."
Entered Stanley McCluskey homes@yvn.com March 31, 1999
I yam what I yam
The sermon was over and so the pastor of a pentecostal church asked if there is anyone who would like to standup and testify of God's goodness. No sooner than the words had left his mouth and up stood an elderly lady. "Praise the Lord Brethren, I SAY PRAISE the Lord Brethren. I want to thank the Lord that he made me as a yam and not as a potato, oh glory; Because when I remember the words of the song Just As a Yam Without One Plea, I just have to thank him."
Entered Maple Sloley sloley_m@popmail.firn.edu March 31, 1999
On a solid rock
A monk, a Luthren minister, and a methodist preacher were on a camping trip. They went out onto the lake and were fishing when the monk said he had to use the restroom. He promptly got out of the boat, walked across the water and then, after a little while, came back, ACROSS the water. Then the Lutheren had to go use the restroom a while later. He got out of the boat, and walked across the water. All this time, the Methodist was in awe. When the Lutheren came back, the Methodist announced that he had to go to shore. He steped out of the boat and promtly sank. He came up sputtering and spitting and then went down again!! The Monk and the Lutheren looked at each other and then said, "Should we tell him where the rocks are??
Entered Rachel Matthews tkmatt@nwinfo.net March 31, 1999
Just one month
Entered Rachel Matthews tkmatt@nwinfo.net March 31, 1999
Bible sales
There was once this man who wanted to be a salesman all of his life. It was his dream, but the only problem is that he has a speech impediment. Well one day he is walking along main street and sees a sign that reads, "Salesman needed, apply inside." He leaps for joy and immediately enters the store. When he walks in he realizes that they sell bibles. Quite excitedly he talked to the receptionist and she referred him to the store manager. He walks into the office and the manager says, "How can I help you?" The man replied, "IIIIII wanttttttt tttttooooo seeellll biblesss!" Realizing that the man stuttered he responded, "Well my son, I don't think that you are what we are looking for." The man realizing that his dream was slipping through his fingers got agitated and said, "III WANTTTT TOOO SSELL BBIBLESSS!" Well the manager being the good Christian that he is agreed on a deal, Son I will tell you what, take this bible and if you can sell it come back to me and if not then take it as my gift to you." The man agreed and left the store. Fifteen minutes later he returned to the manager with twice the asking price for the bible. Intrigued, the manager gave him three and sent him out. Forty-five minutes later the man returned to the store with three times the asking price for the bibles. The manager shocked said to him, "Son, I will tell you what ..... Take this case of bibles and if you can sell them all the job is yours!" The man excited left with his case and the manager thinking that he will never see him again was surprised to see him return after only two hours! Curious, the manager said, "Son you are hired, but I just have to know how you are selling all of these bibles! Take this bible go outside of my office, knock on the door and I want you to come in and sell it to me." The man agreed and went out, knocked on the door, went into the office and said to the manager,"Woood yyyooouuu likeeee tttttooooo bbuyyyy aaa bibleee, orrr woulddddd youuu lllikkkee meeee ttooo rreeaaddd it tooooo yoouuu!"
Entered Bob Divnick bob@divnick.com March 31, 1999
A colored view of an accident
Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.
Entered Bob Divnick bob@divnick.com March 31, 1999
Higher ground
A huge dam had cracked and was starting to flood a small town in its path. As people were alerted to the impending flood, one elderly woman refused to evacuate. The would be rescuer told her that if she would just get in the boat, he could take her to higher ground. She replied that the Lord was her saviour and if she needed help he would save her with a miracle. The man left. As the water rose the woman had to move to the upstairs to avoid the floodwaters. As she sat at her window a man came by in another boat. "Get in," he said,"and i'll take you to higher ground." The woman shook her head and said she would trust in the lord to save her. He left. As the waters rose the woman moved to the roof of her house. A helicopter came overhead and the man said that she should climb the ladder and he would take her to safety. "I will trust in the Lord to save me." The man left. As the waters rose again the woman drowned. When the woman went to heaven she had occasion to speak with the Lord, and she asked him why he hadn't saved her from the flood after showing such strong faith in Him. The Lord said,"I sent two boats and a helicopter and you sent them all away."
Entered Ken lazee@interlink-cafe.com March 31, 1999
A taste of heaven
The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a cannibal tribe. The missionary asked the cannibal chief, ''Do you people know anything about religion?'' After a pause, the chief answered, ''we got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here.''
Entered Bob Divnick bob@divnick.com March 31, 1999
Girlfriend 1.0
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Ballgame 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from the system. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this system. Can you help me?? John Smith

Dear Sir: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but it is very high maintenance. Technical Support Wife 1.0
Entered Louis Erich lerich@sonnet.com March 31, 1999

References
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Entered Peter Stoilov aon.912036753@aon.at Bogenhofen, Austria March 31, 1999

I will move the rock
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's mind such as: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure, these thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. "I, my friend, will move the rock." At times when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him... "By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains; but it is still God who moves the mountain." "I will praise you, Oh Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:12
Entered March 31, 1999
Kids' Bible tales
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected: Entered from SDAnet March 31, 1999
Kids' letters to God
Entered Lyndon Ringstaff lyndonr@primenet.com March 31, 1999
Children's prayers
Bob Baillie of bbaillie@bushnet.qld.edu.au forwarded these examples from Funny-bone http://funny-bone.spunge.org.

One Sunday in a Midwest City a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He did, just then!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, and please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
Entered March 29, 1999

Refreshing thought
Refresh a sole today -- wash someone's feet
Entered March 29, 1999
Bible questions for the young
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. - Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury.
- David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
- Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson - he brought the house down.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone?
A. It had never entered his mind before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan - the banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease but he proceeded to shake me up, and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A. Joseph; Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had 2 worms.
Entered March 28, 1999

The beating heart
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four year old David's. Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked. From Sermon Illustrations
Entered March 20, 1999
Who's in your heart?
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." From Sermon Illustrations
Entered March 20, 1999
Ten Little Christians
Ten Little Christians standing in line
One disliked the preacher, then there were nine
Nine little Christians stayed up very late
One overslept on Sabbath, then there were eight
Eight little Christians on their way to Heaven
One took the low road and then there were seven
Seven little Christians chirping like chicks
One disliked music, then there were six
Six little Christians seemed very much alive
but one lost his interest then there was five
Five little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore
but one stopped to rest , then there were four
Four little Christians each busy as a bee
One got his feelings hurt, then there were three
Three little Christians knew not what to do
One joined the sporty crowd, then there were two
Two little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done
They differed with each other, then there was one
One little Christian can't do much 'tis true
brought his friend to bible study- - then there were two
Two earnest Christians, each won one more
That doubled the number, then there were four
Four sincere Christians worked early and late
Each won another then there were eight
Eight splendid Christians if they doubled as before
In only just ten Sabbaths, we'd have 1,024
In this little jingle, there is a lesson true,
You belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew!
- Author unknown, Adapted from Sermon Illustrations
Entered March 20, 1999
Finding sister on internet
Web-sites work in mysterious ways. Beverly Coysten, our Area 1 Bible Worker reports that her non-Adventist sister in the States was doing some research on the Coysten family. Unable to find much material she typed "Coysten" into an Internet search engine - and the first result was the preaching plan page of the Seventh-day Adventists in Devon & Cornwall Web-Site. At least she knew where her sister was preaching next Sabbath -- but was also able to discover much more about Adventists in the West Country as well as an introduction to Adventists and Celtic Christianity. You never know who is going to find your web-site - by accident or on purpose.
Entered from BUC NEWS March 18, 1999
Our own "John Paul"
The new president of the Seventh-day Adventist Church is Pastor Jan Paulsen from Norway. His name has a striking resemblence to the leader of the only other Christian church found in almost every country of the world.
Jan = John
Paul = Paul
Sen = son = II
John Paul II
Entered from March 12, 1999
The Prodigal -- Feeling frightfully famished
Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.

"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors . . ."

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found!

Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."

* * * *

Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2, modified by Robert Woodman. Feel free to publish this but leave the copyright information in place.
Entered from Geoff' Gokes March 11, 1999

Painful work
According to a Trans European Division news release, two women pastors in Finland were induced in December 1998. Jim Bradburn pointed out, "Women are usually enduced for labor for childbirth, not for ministerial responsiblities. Or will their role as ministers in Finland be that painful?"
From Jim Bradburn, Jan 2, 1999
Christian lightbulb jokes
Here's a few Christian Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, since his hands are in the air anyway.
A.Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
A. Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change lightbulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the lightbulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But soon all thoses around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many independent Baptist's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 25. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?

Q: How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman.!

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
http://www.copie.com/religion/clightbulbs.htm
Entered from SDAnet, Vegetarian Resource Center, vrc@tiac.net January 1, 1999

Adventists changing lightbulbs
Let's bring the Christian light bulb jokes closer to home:

Q. How many Adventists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. But he will have to wait until after sunset on Saturday.

Q. How many Celebration Adventists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Twenty-One. One to change it, twenty to dance around it.

Q. How many Adventist academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. But the others want to keep changing it.

Q. How many Concerned Brethren Adventists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Light doesn't change.

Q. How many Fordite Adventists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. We don't have to change the lightbulb. Des has done it for us.

Q. How many Adventist women pastors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They cannot change lightbulbs because they are not ordained.

Q. How many critical Adventists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. We don't change lightbulbs. We just point out what a bad job others do when they change them.

Q. How many Adventist evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You shouldn't waste time changing lightbulbs. Get out there and preach the Gospel!

Q. How many Adventist administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They don't know. They'll have to refer it to the Committee.
Entered by Phil Ward January 1, 1999

More bulletin bloopers
Never fear, I have some more bulletin bloopers here! I'll cough up a few more next time. Renie ILongfelo@aol.com
Entered from SDAnet, ILongfelo@aol.com January 1, 1999
Massage and sin
I'm including a couple of church bulletin bloopers for all of you to chuckle over. Renie
From SDAnet, ILongfelo@aol.com wrote: January , 1999
More Adventist definitions
A few more to ad to the list of Adventist definitions below: Well, seeing as how it's after midnight, and my wife turns into a madventist at 12 straight up, I better turn in! God bless us, one and all! Pr. Steve Johnson
From sdanet, Pr. Steve Johnson January 1, 1999
Email humor
Would you like some free email humor delivered regularly? Then join Geof's Geokes Clean Humor List. Geof's Geokes is an automated listserv that serves jokes and notes selected by Geof. All jokes and notes on Geof's Geokes are intended for an audience of Christians, and therefore, will not contain suggestive references, rude language, or offensive Geokes. To subscribe, send email to subscribe@mailandnews.com.
From Geof Greenway, subscribe@mailandnews.com, January 1, 1999
Prying and praying
I just received a letter from the New York Conference in which they asked me as treasurer to "pry for the success of the Ingathering program." I think they meant "pray", but the Freudian slip is interesting.
From SDAnet, January 1, 1999
Pardon my interuption
A few weeks ago the following was included in a brochure advertising a workshop sponsored by the Allegheny West Conference: "Interrupters will be provided for the hearing impaired."
From sdanet, Darius Lecointe, lecointes@hotmail.com, January 1, 1999
Adventists defined
Charles Tidwell of Andrews University has produced a set of definitions of different types of Adventists. I post it here for your great pleasure. By Charles Tidwell, Jr -- who is probably a bit of a badventist, definately a dadventist, often a gadventist, and probably suspected of being a radventist for having the teremity to compose this!

Entered by PCW, Dec 13, 1998
Harold
A young child is just rising from saying prayers when the father appears at the door. "My child," says father, "did you remember to ask the Lord to help Mummy get better?" The child jumps out of bed onto the floor and kneeling says, "Oh Harold, I nearly forgot... please bless Mummy and help her get better." As the father tucks in his child he says, "Er.. do you call God Harold?" "Yes," replies the child, "that's God's name." "Harold?" asks father, "How do you know that God's name is Harold?" The child gives a condescending look and says, "Of course it is... we learnt that in Sabbath School. The Bible says: 'Our Father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name'."

Entered by John Bishop, johnb@bw-electrics-ltd.demon.co.uk, Dec 12, 1998
Amish and an elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Entered from email by Mary Lou Barber, mbarber@flash.net, Dec 12, 1998
The truth about Noah's Ark
One day the Lord spoke to Noah and said "Noah I want you to build an ark in six months time, you must save all animals two of each kind, male and female," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

Entered from email by Laura Turk, stardancer@integrityol.com, Dec 12, 1998
Great Controversy on computers
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the Judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously - lines and lines of code steaming up the screen. They keep at it for several hours straight. Just seconds before the end of the competition, a huge bolt of lightning strikes - wiping out all the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored; and God the Father announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God the Father, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and his screen comes to full life in a beautiful, vivid display. Just then, the voices of an angelic choir begin to pour forth from the speakers. Satan is totally astonished. He stutters in disbelief, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?" God the Father chuckles, "Everybody knows....Jesus Saves."

Entered by Diane Ross, rosstech@netrax.net, Dec 11, 1998
Rewarded
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely." As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver spoke right up and said, "First off - fix them brakes!"

Entered by Bob Divnick, Dec 11, 1998
Man of the Cloth
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well. A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identifica- tion. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. "Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

Entered Dec 4, 1998
Top ten reasons God created Eve
A friend sent this to me and I thought it was good enough to share.