"Let
your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know
how ye ought to answer every man." (1)
Nabal
was a fool (salt) and everyone knew it (grace) (2). His wife, Abigail,
had beauty and brains. And when Nabal chose to sneer at David's
request for provisions, she knew she must act.
She
met a furious David, armed and eager to destroy. Perhaps her calm came
from experience in living with The Fool. Honoring her alliance with
Nabal, despite his character, she took Nabal's actions as her own, and
begged David's forgiveness (grace) (3). But she also reminded David of
the One True Avenger, and that to follow his momentary feelings with
action would prove senseless (salt).
Healthy
love demands honesty and self-integrity. It is a dynamic relationship,
cultivating growth and change. There is no sign of healthy love in
Abigail's marriage to Nabal. A person who establishes a coercive
pattern of power and control in a relationship is abusing that
relationship. The behavior may include physical, sexual, economic,
emotional, and psychological abuses. In Nabal's case, these could have
involved an addiction to love and/or sex, and domestic violence.
One
who is addicted to love gains identity through another person. A love
addict fears change (which often results in a stagnating
relationship). For a love addict, love (4)
-
is all-consuming and obsessive.
-
is inhibited.
-
avoids risk or change.
-
lacks true intimacy.
-
is manipulative, strikes deals.
-
is dependent and parasitic.
-
demands the loved one's devotion.
Sexual
addiction is a problem with control. Healthy sex is a fulfilling
expression of affection and love--a channel to achieve deeper
emotional intimacy. Addicts are unable to control or postpone their
sexual feelings and actions.
"I
must have her." This obsessive refrain later led David to
murder (Uriah, Bathsheba's husband). David took Abigail as his wife,
although he was married to Michal. God did not "approve" the
practice of multiple wives--it was the custom of other nations (5).
There was major feuding between the sons of David (6), and family
problems continued after his death (Solomon had 700 wives). However,
for our strength and hope, we also continually read of David's
confession, forgiveness, and regeneration in his relationships with
God and family.
Developing
a healthy self-esteem enables one to trust, forgive, and face changes
in relationships. Developing healthy boundaries helps one control
thoughts and actions. Boundaries are a way of telling others
"ouch" (salt) (7). They are also a way of communicating what
one needs and wants in relationships (grace). Boundaries are a
reflection of self, not an attack on another individual. Our feelings
act as an alarm system--telling us when our boundaries are crossed. In
Never Good Enough, Carol Cannon gives an overview of
boundaries:
-
After-the-fact--A gentle way of letting someone know you have been offended.
-
Before-the-fact--Stated before the action, with an "I need or want" statement.
-
Contingency--Uses an if/then premise: "When ... I feel . . . I need . . . If you . . . then I . . ."
-
Spur-of-the-moment--With the alert radar of feelings, one may practice "just saying no."
-
Buying time--When cornered, one may say, "I'll have to think about it."
-
Laser-beam--Not rude or unkind, but clear, direct, and powerful. See Jesus' laser beam with Peter in Matthew 16:23.
-
Broken record--Calmly repeat your boundary until the other person gives up. Don't argue, or explain, or respond to the other person's arguments.
Abigail may have used a laser beam boundary as she told Nabal what had transpired with David. She chose to wait until after he reveled in his addiction (grace). Sober and listening, his heart fainted in fear. He died ten days later (salt). Abigail shines as an example of how to live out the words, "grace, seasoned with salt."
Note:
The sites listed below are for awareness only. In His Steps does not
promote any product or service.
Active Listening and Communications Skills Links
What is domestic violence?
(1)
Colossians 4:6.
(2) 1 Samuel
25.
(3) Romans
12:10.
(4) Pastor Hal
Gates, Regeneration
Ministries.
(5) Ellen G. White, The
Story of the Patriarchs and Prophets, page 668.
(6) 1 Chronicles
3:1-9; 2 Samuel
15; 1 Kings
1.
(7) Carol A. Cannon, Never Good Enough, ISBN: 0816311455,
pages 186-199.
Written
by Carolyn J, a member of In His Steps.
________
________
Stress Buster:
For
healthy relationships, practice the art of active listening:
Encourage--to
convey interest and keep the other person talking.
Restate--to
show you are listening and that you grasp the facts.
Reflect--to
let others know you understand their feelings.
Summarize--to pull important ideas or facts together, to establish a basis for future discussion, to review progress.
from the
Poynter
Institute
________