In His Steps--Healing--Why We Are Here--Anger

Slow to Anger

Twang! One moment, David was playing music for King Saul; the next, staring at the king's spear stuck in the wall--meant for him.

Saul started out humble enough--prophesying, and hiding, when chosen as king. However, pride, envy, and rage soon ruled his decisions. He continually plotted to take David's life, even as David graciously met his demands. He couldn't wait for God's prophet to offer sacrifices--and lost his kingship of Israel. He chose the loot of war over the Lord's blessings as anointed king.

One sees in Saul's actions the following cycle portrayed repeatedly (1):

Resentment covers anger;
Anger covers hurt;
Hurt usually covers fear;
Our deepest fear is that our basic human needs are not going to be met. In relationships we fear being rejected or abandoned.

Anger is as naturally human as joy or sorrow. Anger is a problem when it is (2):

Too long
Otherwise known as a "grudge" or "a chip on one's shoulder." There is a difference between dredging up the past as a strategic maneuver to win an argument and remembering past behavior as evidence for a current decision.

Too frequent
When someone is irritable all the time, and you hardly have the chance to catch your breath between episodes, then anger is a problem.

Too high/disproportionate
When Sally forgot the milk at the store and Johnny began yelling and swearing or calling names, Johnny didn't put all his cards on the table. Johnny was probably trying to control Sally, to make her behave, or understand, or grovel.

Unexpected/surprising/"out of the blue"
When anger strikes without warning, someone is not being honest. "Oh no, that doesn't bother me. I don't get upset over petty things." Also, "traps" occur when a person has built up a vehement reaction to a particular situation or behavior. Like a set trap waiting to be touched off, it sits inside until someone touches a sore spot.

Denied
"Who me, angry? Of course not. I can't say that I'm happy about it, but I'm certainly not angry!"

Blamed on another
"You make me so angry, I could . . ." and "If you didn't make me angry, I wouldn't have to . . ." In truth, no one makes us angry, rather, we get angry about things. Blaming others effectively prevents one from taking responsibility for his/her own anger and angry actions.

As David spent time in the palace, at the invitation of King Saul, he became close friends with Jonathan, the king's son. Jonathan struggled with anger as his father did. Jonathan also showed a blind spot, in his disbelief that the king would actually kill David. The twang of Saul's spear told David otherwise.

Since they disagreed, David and Jonathan set up a test. Saul failed. He embarked on a ruthless mission to kill David, and gave his son the same spear treatment. After hearing Saul call him the confused "son of a perverse rebellious woman" Jonathan "arose from the table in fierce anger" and wouldn't even eat, because of Saul's tirade and the shaming of his best friend (3).

One finds the best clue to Jonathan's ability to create a healthy relationship with David, despite his volatile environment, as they meet in the wilderness:

"And Jonathan, Saul's son, rose, and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God." (4)

One doesn't find resentment, anger, hurt, or fear in that description of the meeting. David and Jonathan based their relationship on love and trust. Most importantly, they knew a Heavenly Father "ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness . . ." (5)

References for further study:

Note: The sites listed below are for awareness only. In His Steps does not promote any product or service.

Anger Management

Stop arguing and start understanding

Get Your Angries Out!

(1) Robert Hemfelt and Richard Fowler, Serenity^®: A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, page 67, ISBN: 0840715420.
(2) This list is from Pastor Hal Gates, Regeneration Ministries.
(3) 1 Samuel 20.
(4) 1 Samuel 23:16.
(5) Nehemiah 9:17.