QUESTION: My spouse and I would love to have children. But with the increasing pain all around us--in school, in the workplace, everywhere--we sometimes wonder Do we really want to bring a baby into this world? In many ways, life already feels like The Time of Trouble. Is it even fair to throw a child into this mess?
 
Allan's reply:
When Dee and I were considering having a baby, we too struggled with the questions you have posed and felt deep concern about the child-unfriendly world we live in. There is so much sin, so much danger, so much pain and suffering on this earth. We too wondered if we could, in good conscience, usher a new life to this place. With much prayer, we decided that it was good for us to have child. We felt it was in God's destiny for us.
 
Your question is a very personal one, best addressed by each family individually. It takes much prayer and thoughtful consideration for a family to decide on whether or not to bring a new person into this world, so no generic reply will do. But here are some things to consider from the other side, from one who has a young one in the family.
 
There is very little I can compare to the joy my little Alexa, now 14 months old, brings to my world. Her inquisitive mind and humorous antics express to me daily the beauty that God alone can create. Her coming to Dee and me has opened up a whole new dimension of understanding regarding our God. Before Alexa was conceived, I understood, vaguely, only the perspective of being God's child. As child of my parents, I could relate to the idea of being God's child. I felt the care of a heavenly Father for His son.
 
But now with Alexa in my life, I am getting glimpses from God's perspective, as creator and parent of this little dependent one. I am growing in my understanding of a God that loves unconditionally and liberally. I am learning more about a God who requires obedience, and expects respect. From my new parent eyes I am seeing God in a new light. Alexa has opened a whole new dimension to my spirituality.
 
I recognize there is much pain and trouble in this world, but for me that is all the more reason to bring more angels like Alexa into our joy-deprived world. I too believe that the time of trouble may already be here, but that doesn't deter me from wanting to have a child, potentially one of the generation to experience the latter rain, to usher in His coming, in person. I realize there is danger, suffering, and sin all around. But I feel that "not" having children is the least proactive thing I can do. If anything, having Alexa has strengthened my resolve and motviated my actions to make a difference in our world...for her sake.
 
Do you really want to bring a baby into this world? Only you and your spouse, with God's guidance, can discern the best choice for your family. Certainly you both need to weigh out the demands of parenthood, the responsibilities it entails, and the risks it involves. I can tell you from personal experience it is a wondrous and miraculous thing to enter the realm of parenthood, but it is a realm that is all-consuming. So it is best that you give serious consideration to all parenthood will require.
 
Is it fair to "throw" a child into this mess? Absolutely not! A child "flung" into this world on a selfish whim or an error of passion is one of the most horrible things a person can do. To "toss" a child into a life of suffering and pain is a heartless thing. But I sense that you and your spouse are not doing any "throwing." It sounds as if you are carefully considering what are the implications for your child, if she/he were to enter our world, sinful and painful as it is. Even your question reflects the protection, care, and love your child would experience from you both. If my sense of you two is correct, maybe a question that needs to be posed is, "Would it be fair to not bring a child to life, and deprive her/him of the love you have to give?"
 
Sure adding a little one to your family will bestow you with the spiritual gifts of worry, heartache, and exhaustion. But you will also know joy, more than you have ever known. And I trust you too will see God in a different light. Let us know what you decide.
 
QUESTION: Is there really any difference between watching a video at home or going to a movie theater?
 
Deirdre's reply:
No.
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X-CHANGE:
Race, Relationships, and Requirements
 
QUESTION: How are you supposed to deal with interracial relationships when you like someone of a different race but your parents are totally against it? Does that mean you should submit to your parents or follow your heart?
 
Allan's reply:
This is a very sensitive issue which will require you to take special care to search your heart and ask for God's leading. Here are some points to consider as you approach this issue with your parents.
 
First, take a serious look at your relationship with your friend. Be able to identify what are the characteristics about this person that attract you to her/him. What are the values you two hold in common? Where do you two differ in opinion? Compare and contrast your values. Have a good sense of what are the basic elements that attract you two to each other. What is it that your heart feels towards this person?
 
Second, take a serious look at your relationship with your parents. How would you characterize your feelings towards them? What about their feelings towards you? In what ways do you want to be like them? How do your values and beliefs coincide/contrast? What are points of conflict or tension between you and them? What are your heartfelt feelings for them?
 
Third, take a serious look at what Christ is telling you through prayer, Scripture, and Christian mentors. The Bible is clear in regards to the Christian command to honor our parents. Christ is also clear on the sin of prejudice. Pray for wisdom, search the Word for insight, and seek the counsel of a Christian mentor who knows your family and if possible also knows your friend.
 
Fourth, if you have given serious consideration to the above steps, now make efforts to follow Christ's heart. Submit to Christ and His will for your life. If your relationship with this person, regardless of cultural background, lacks the level of Christian integrity you understand Christ would expect, follow Christ's bidding for you. If your parents are exhibiting prejudice or racism, you do not honor them by submitting to such un-Christian values, do as Christ instructs you.
 
By allowing Christ to be the rule of thumb for your relationships, it may become clearer as to which direction is best to go. There will be some heartache either way. But if you blindly submit to your parents or recklessly follow the desires of your heart, know that neither is in God's desired plan for your life. Your best bet is to submit to Christ and follow His heart.
 
 
QUESTION: Sometimes I wonder if I am really gonna be saved when Jesus comes to carry all the righteous up to heaven. Besides all the regular advice of daily prayer and Bible reading, is there something more that I got to do?
 
Deirdre's reply
I too have had times that I have wondered about my salvation. Am I praying enough? Have I done my devotions? Did I ask forgiveness for every one of my sins? Did I do enough good deeds? And the list of things to do seemed to be endless. But then I discovered something completely radical. Beyond the regular advice, here's what I suggest:
 
Fall head over heals in love and get married.
 
When I was single, I had all kinds of checklists in my head about what would make a perfect relationship. Like many young ladies, I also had specific criteria in my head as to what I must do to be the ideal wife. I had to cook like Martha Stewart. I had to do housework, have a career, raise the children, support all his interests, etc. And before I fell in love, all those lists made marriage an impossible dream. But then I fell head over heals in love and got married. What I do now for my marriage is not based on a "to do" list for successful married life, but it is based on my love for my husband and the intimacy we share. I am not the perfect wife, but I am a wife in love who is being "perfected" by that love. So now it is not a matter of doing, it is a matter of loving.
 
I like to compare a relationship with Christ to marriage (Check out Revelation 19:6-8). I think that as you fall in love with Him, you will discover the radical joy and freedom that only relationship with Him can reveal. As you sincerely commit yourself to Him, like in marriage, I think you will discover that it's not what you got to do, it's who you desire to love that will decide your salvation.
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The X-CHANGE: Support Groups and Ministries
 
QUESTION: Do you think Adventist-sponsored homosexual support groups in our churches and schools condone homosexuality?
 
Allan's reply
The answer really depends on the objectives of the specific "support" group you're talking about. For example, a support group for recovering alcoholics serves as a community where staying drink-free is the goal. On the flip side, there are also groups where recovery is not the goal. Such groups advocate and facilitate certain
activities, such as groups that endorse open marriages and multiple partners.
 
Please be clear. If the "support" group you mention aims to endorse a homosexual lifestyle, it is not named correctly. To use the guise of "support group" to condone homosexual practices is deceitful and irresponsible. Such groups would better be called a homosexual club or gay/lesbian advocacy group.
 
That being said, support groups geared toward recovery are a wonderful arena of healing. Whether in our churches or in our schools, when we help and support one's efforts to live in step with God, that's a good thing. Many have special struggles, and support groups can be a means by which our church can readily display Christ's character, by loving the people who struggle with various forms of addictions and propensities.
 
Such support groups are not in the business of condoning, nor are they in the business of condemning. They are in the business of accepting the person in the midst of their struggle and providing them with personal, community, and spiritual support.
 
Whether in our schools or in our churches, I don't think Adventist support groups for homosexuals and their families condone homosexuality. They are simply an extension of Christian concern to those in the midst of this particular struggle. Having support groups for homosexuals in Adventism does not condone homosexual practice. Neither condoning or condemning, support groups are involved in recovery.
 
Thinking of the church as a support group for recovering sinners might give you a good rule of thumb.
 
QUESTION: How does someone feel "called" to work for God? Rarely do you hear, "I was called to go into advertising." Does God only call people into the pastoral ministry?
 
Deirdre's reply
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" (2Cor. 5:17-18, NIV).
 
If you are a Christian, you are called to ministry. It doesn't matter if you're an ad executive, a barber, or a cab driver; if you're in Christ you have been given or called to a ministry of reconciliation. It's part of the job description.
 
I'm not saying that all of us are called to be preacher-type ministers. Each of us has our own spiritual gifts and special strengths that allow us to minister in diverse ways (check out 1 Corinthians 12). Sure, some folks are called to be pastors, and some would say that is a "real" call to ministry.
 
It's too bad some think of a "call" as only referring to a religious career (e.g. missionary, pastor, evangelist). The Bible makes it clear that all Christians have an important role to play in the body of Christ, no ministry is more important than another. Paul does a good job of illustrating how each body part needs the other (1 Cor. 12:21-25). Thank goodness we are not all noses!
 
For example, I have no desire or ability to speak in front of a group of people. It makes me nervous and I end up not expressing what I want to communicate at all. Clearly that is not my spiritual gift. But in my work as a N.I.C.U. (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) Nurse, I'm "called" everyday to be a minister of compassion, comfort, and healing to those who cross my path. I was called to nursing.
 
It's important to get this: ministry doesn't just happen inside the church walls or during the Sabbath hours. Ministry is a way of life for Christians. The homemaker who raises Godly children is a powerful minister. The construction worker who uses Christ-like language is as much a preacher from the beam as an evangelist from the pulpit. The neighbor who exhibits grace, hospitality, and warmth may reach a non-believer who would otherwise never experience the gospel in person. We are Christ's ambassadors (1 Cor. 5:20), daily sharing Him through our lives.
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The X-CHANGE: Lord of the Dance
 
QUESTION: How would you handle someone using the Lord's name irreverently? So many of our friends and family members thoughtlessly say, "Oh God!" or use His name as an expression of anger or surprise. It hurts me every time I hear it, and I wonder if I should be speaking up on His behalf or whether that would make witnessing seem "holier-than-thou." What do you think the Lord would want of us?
 
Deirdre's reply
I feel the Lord leads each of us to handle such situations with care specific to the circumstance and our relationship with the person. It is admirable that you are conscientious of how your comments may be taken by the person speaking God's name in vain. It shows your love for that person and for God. What I would do in such situations really depends on the level of relationship I have with that person. If I really didn't know that person very well, I would ideally like to simply ask that person what it means for them when they say "______." I find that most people say such phrases without much thought as to what it means. And in most cases I would leave it at that. Praying for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I am hoping the person will think about that phrase carefully next time they utter it.
 
If I know the person very well and have a close relationship with them, I would start with my question asking what the phrase means for them, then would let them know how the loose use of God's name hurts me. I would try my best to not tell them what to do and simply, concisely share my feelings with them. If they value me and our relationship, I feel they will think twice when they talk about my Best Friend.
 
QUESTION: Before I became an Adventist two years ago my husband and I used to do country western partners dancing. We have since given it up but miss it. We do not drink or do suggestive moves. We are wondering, what is your opinion?
 
Allan's reply
Thank you for your question and giving me an opportunity to share my opinion. (WOW!) Before I get carried away with my own opinions (I have lots of them), I am wondering what prompted you to give up dancing when you became Adventists? What is prompting you to reconsider it now?
 
Now you asked my opinion. "Let them praise His name with dancing...(Ps.149:3a,NIV)" When we become followers of Christ something miraculous happens, we become new creatures (2Co 5:17), which for me means that my life as a Christian dances to a different beat. Instead of doing my own high stepping, I now follow the lead of the Master. I believe that there is a time to dance (Ecc 3:4), and it is my opinion that being or becoming Christian is among those opportune times to dance for joy. Like David, the "John Travolta" of the Old Testament, dancing can very well be an expression of our praise and exuberance for life in Christ (2Sam 6:14). I don't dance enough. In my opinion, we Adventist need to learn how to dance...in joy before the Lord.
 
Unfortunately in our world, Satan has contorted this into a form of self-exaltation, and gluttonous idolatry. Instead of being an expression of holy joy, sin has used dancing as a vent for vanity, lust, aggression, and selfishness. Paul does a great job of giving some clear guidelines as to what Christian living is about in Colossians chapter 3. Given my desire to serve Christ and avoid Satan, I choose to set my heart on things above (Col 3:2). For me, it is because I am a Christian I choose not to dance...in self indulgence before Satan.
 
My opinionated comments aside, I am hoping you can take a good look at the questions I posed at the first. As you and your spouse take a honest and personal look at your replies, I am confident your Christian discernment will lead in your lifestyle choices on dancing as well as many other aspects of Christ-like living.
 
As a traditionally raised Adventist, I don't know how to dance. I know how to march, but I just don't have enough rhythm to make a go of dancing. But I am learning to do a holy dance. I have a sneaking suspicion that when I see Christ coming, I'll want a joyful, graceful move or two as I take to the air to meet the Lord of the dance.
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The X-CHANGE: Walking On a Thin Line
 
QUESTION: How am I to know whether I'm welcome at my church? I've had a bout with depression and haven't gone to church for five Sabbaths now. No one from the church, not even my pastor as called or visited me. What do you think? Is it me or who's to blame? I feel I'm not wanted. Should I go back to church and ask why?
 
Allan's reply
I can really sense your uncertainty about returning to church after being away, and I hear your feeling neglected in that your pastor and church did not come to visit you during this difficult time. How can you know whether you are welcome at the church? I feel it is in your best interest to call the pastor directly and share with him your feelings and circumstance. It is not uncommon to feel neglected when your church doesn't take notice of your absence, but it may be a bit presumptuous to conclude you are not welcome because you haven't received a visit. A friendly, candid call to your pastor, sharing your concerns and questions, would be a worthwhile first step.
 
Who is to blame? It sounds like it is important to have someone or some group take responsibility for your feeling "unwanted." To blame someone for these feelings, at this point, would not be very helpful. Truth and reconciliation rarely come about when people blame each other. We are all human and blame often stirs a defensive or defeating reaction in us. If you blame your church or your pastor it will adversely affect how you all relate. If you blame yourself, it will add to the negative feelings you are experiencing. Blame is really a unproductive, distracting issue right now. It sounds like you want to return to your church and experience the fellowship and support that Christian community provides. Because you are unsure, a call to your pastor will be a good start. So maybe it would be best to lay blame aside and begin the steps back to church. But if you really need someone to blame. . . Blame Satan.
 
QUESTION: I grew up in the era of "DOs and DON'Ts--Am I saved or am I not?" What happens when I sin again after giving my heart to Christ? Am I lost at that point? Or at what point do I become not saved if Christ were to come then?
 
Deirdre's reply
If you have given your heart to Christ, I am thinking that you would feel remorse about sinning, sad that you had done something contrary to your relationship with Christ. I am hoping that remorse would prompt you to ask for His forgiveness, which He graciously extends to you.
 
But I am sensing you are asking me somewhat of a different question--whether or not you are saved if you sin right after giving your heart to Christ and His having "wiped your slate clean." Am I close? And to further complicate the situation, I hear you asking something to the effect of what if His second coming was right then, are you lost because of that one sin?
 
And my answer is, I don't know. I am not sure where that thin line is to squeak into heaven or slip into hell. I don't know, and further, I feel that has little to do with salvation. If anything focusing on that thin line can only hurt your ability to enter the Kingdom. Why? Because it seems to focus on the erasing of your sins instead of focusing on the Eraser of your sins. Spending all one's time looking at where they're walking, one can't look up to see who one is walking to. For me, I want to keep looking up to Christ and letting Him lead me to His Kingdom. To look down for that thin line, would only disorientate me.
 
So am I saying it doesn't matter if we sin? Absolutely not. I agree with Paul, sinning isn't a way to generate more grace. Plus sin hurts Christ, and I feel sad and remorseful when I hurt my Friend. So, by His power, I claim the victorious life in Christ, avoiding sin and its hurtful consequences on me and my Savior. I can see how growing up in the "DO-DON'T era" could really influence your attention on finding that thin line between being saved or lost. I would encourage to you to enter the "Jesus era" where embracing Him is our job, and crossing over lines is His.
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The X-CHANGE: Engaging the Engagement
 
QUESTION: During the last few months of attending medical school, I began dating a girl who happened to be my upstairs neighbor. Our first "real" date was in February. Well, wouldn't you know it, when Match Day rolled around in March, I ended up matching back East! We continued to date, despite the inevitable fact that I would be leaving the west coast. To make a long story short, together we've put together quite a phone bill--along with several airplane flights! It's a long-distance relationship that neither of us would have imagined the first time we met. Presently, we are still "seeing" each other and have grown quite close. In fact, the issue of marriage has entered our conversations quite a bit. We have heard of "marital counseling" that many couples go through before the actual marriage. From our viewpoint, this counseling frequently takes place after the fact--I mean AFTER the engagement--along with fitting the dresses, picking out the centerpieces, and folding the programs. The counseling may actually be a part of the whole wedding machine. We think counseling comes a little too late. We are contemplating marriage. Can we get "counseling" BEFORE anything else happens, i.e. BEFORE getting engaged? If there are any issues that should be addressed, both she and I are in agreement that these need to be aired before we take the next step. We would like to talk things over seriously with someone who offers advice with spiritual guidance. Getting married actually feels right at this stage in life, but it really is a huge thing where an objective wisdom would be extremely helpful. Would you help us with your perspective on this? Thank you so much for listening, we look forward to hearing from you!
 
Deirdre & Allan's reply
It is admirable that both of you are carefully considering each step of the process in your relationship. Long distance relationships can be very taxing, but for couples who are diligent to keep in touch, we have found that it can be a time where the "heart grows fonder." As you two have considered counseling, we concur with you both that it is a wise step for you to seek pre-engagement counseling. What a wonderful proactive approach to the whole process of deciding on marriage. And you are right, often times when pre-marital counseling occurs, the wheels of the wedding plans have already been turning, making it difficult or awkward to stop or change directions should counseling reveal significant issues to be resolved. We support you both in your desire to have pre-engagement counseling and believe that doing it at this stage before announcing an engagement is a good thing. In selecting a counselor, we recommend that you speak with a pastor that you both feel comfortable with and trust. Weekly or bi-weekly sessions often provide couples with a doable schedule of appointments, and gives you both time to think and talk through what occurs in your counseling sessions. There are also marriage and family counselors and psychologists who can provide you with counseling, respecting and including your desire for spiritual guidance. We recommend that you diligently "shop around" to find a counselor you both agree will be beneficial to you. We have found that selecting pre-marital counseling that is both therapeutic and educational is ideal to help you learn more about the growing intimacy between you and the challenges of married life. And given that you are approaching this prior to engagement, this counseling can also serve to support you both through the stressors that often come with planning a wedding. Know that our prayers and hopes are with you both as you carefully and prayerfully consider the adventure of a life together.
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