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A Little Church Humor
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Great Truths children know:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats!
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths Adults have learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Great Truths about Growing Old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get!
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Success:
At age 4 success is ...not piddling in your pants!
At age 12 success is ...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having a drivers liscense.
At age 35 success is....having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is....having a drivers liscense.
At age 75 success is ....having friends.
At age 80 success is...Not piddling in your pants!
Some people are kind, polite and sweet spirited....
until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many people want to serve God....But only as advisors.
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Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong
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A lot of church members who sing, "Standing on the Promises" are just "Sitting on the premesis."
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We are to be "Fishers of Men". We catch them, He will clean them!
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We were called to be Witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Why do some people change churches....What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A Jesus Story
"Tomorrow morning", the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..." "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open,"he continued, "to see how much damage has been done.." "But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy. The surgeon looked to the parents who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart!" The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakend vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." "You will find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left. The surgeon sat in his office recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bedrest. Prognosis:" There he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did you do this? You've put him here, youve put him in this pain; and you've cursed him to an early death. Why?" The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of my flock and will forever be. Here in my flock he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will be with him there and they will know peace and my flock continues to grow." The surgeon's tears were hot but his anger
was hotter. "You created that boy, and you created that heart. Hell be dead in
months. Why? The Lord answered, " The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock for he has done his duty. I did not put my lamb with your flock to lose him
but to retrieve another lost lamb. You!" The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes" said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
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