You Can't Have It Without Giving It There is a destiny that makes us brothers; None goes his way alone; All that we send into the lives of others Comes back into our own.. This from the pen of a scholar and a poet named Edwin Markham. There is another poem that he wrote of which you have probably heard a few lines. But before I share them with you, let me tell you a story about Edwin. As poet Edwin Markham approached his retirement years, he discovered that the man to whom he had entrusted his financial portfolio had squandered all the money that he had invested. Markham's dream of a comfortable retirement vanished. He began to brood over the injustice and the loss. His anger deepened. Over time, Markham's bitterness grew by leaps and bounds. One day while sitting at his table, Markham found himself drawing circles as he tried to soothe the turmoil he felt within. Finally, he concluded: "I must forgive him, and I will forgive him." Looking again at the circles he had drawn on the paper before him, Markham wrote these lines: He drew a circle to shut me out, Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout; But love and I had the wit to win, We drew a circle to take him in. Although Markham wrote hundreds of poems contained in many book volumes, the words he wrote while forgiving are his most popular and memorable. As he forgave, a tremendous act of creativity was released within Markham. The poets and mystics among us have long known and declared that the act of forgiveness releases great healing power. I felt after the last sermon that there was something lacking. Today I hope to focus on some practical steps that we can take towards forgiveness. First a few theological observations. First, we have to admit that we have something to forgive. If we are lying to our selves the journey is over before it starts. Second, forgiveness is something that you cannot do alone. The Christian understands that true forgiveness is facilitated by the Holy Spirit's work on our lives and the life of the one who wronged us. Third, forgiveness is an act of the will not feelings. In forgiveness, the usual pattern is for feelings to follow a determination to follow through with what's right. Bible Principles Matthew 18:15 "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 "But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17 "And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. 18 "Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 "Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. 20 "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." Mark 11:23 "For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. 24 "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. 25 "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. 26 "But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Psa 86 " {5} For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You. Matt 6.9 "In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. 10 Your kingdom come. Your will be done On earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us this day our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors. 13 And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. 14 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 "But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Luke 6:37 "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you." Let's begin looking at the importance of forgiveness: When you forgive, 1. You relieve yourself of the burden of the past. You shed the hurt, pain, anger, and loneliness. You can begin to heal. 2. You give the person you forgive (even yourself) the freedom to live in peace and to be able to change for the better. Points about forgiveness: 1. Forgiveness is not forgetting. 2. The pain may not be completely gone. One can forgive and still grieve a loss or feel pain from a wound. 3. Damage and wounds can take time to repair. 4. Forgiveness does not deny responsibility for behavior. You have simply committed to not hold the other person in debt. http://www.forgivenessweb.com/RdgRm/How%20to%20Forgive.htm For many people forgiveness is one of the hardest steps of all in our progress toward freedom of spirit. Yet it is essential. For as long as we are unable to forgive, we keep ourselves chained to the unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night. When it is time to move on, but still too hard, try some or all of these steps. (Note that these steps are appropriate for events resulting from an ongoing adult relationship with anyone. They may not all be appropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger, nor for someone who was abused as a child or while in some other position of true helplessness.) 1. Understand that forgiving does not mean giving permission for the behavior to be repeated. It does not mean saying that what was done was acceptable. Forgiveness is needed for behaviors that were not acceptable and that you should not allow to be repeated. 2. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does the other person burn with your anger, feel the knot in your stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? No, the pain is all yours. 3. Do not require to know 'why' as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behavior happened is unlikely to lessen the pain, because the pain came at a time when you did not know why. Occasionally there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness unnecessary, but they are rare. Don't count on it and don't count on even the perpetrator knowing why. 4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, what was done. 5. Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that the behavior hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you, too, have some responsibility. (Here you start to move away from being a victim.) 6. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself. Why? There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they? 7. Write a letter to the person (no need to mail it). (Do it by hand, as that seems to make it more real to you.) Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts. 8. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the ending of the link between you. You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to You may prefer to burn them and scatter the ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation. 9. Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you. 10. Now that you have freed yourself from the painful links and released the pain, feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life without that burden of bitterness. Do not look back in anger. Diana Robinson, Ph.D., Professional Life Coach, Writer, Editor, Counselor, Once forgiveness is given, what then? Work to restore an attitude of love, or friendship if that is the case. Release the painful past. Focus on the good. The hurt will begin to fade. Work to reconstruct the relationship. If you were hurt by someone you did not have a relationship with, this point may not be valid. Welcome the future with a new attitude. A victim mentality will find more and more hurt, often where none is intended. Keep in mind that the demand for an ironclad guarantee that will fix all future acts permanently and securely and insure our safety from any future pain must be canceled. No one can offer such assurance and go on living as a truly human being. Such promises of perfection are possible only for saints or statues, and neither is desirable in a relationship. In the future we will be spontaneous together. We may fail. We may act hurtfully again. Reaffirm the relationship. To end a reconciliation negatively-"May God help us that this never happens again"-blocks our growth as persons. It is fascinating that the words of mistrust and suspicion Jacob and Laban set between them-"May the Lord watch between you and me, when we are parted from each other's sight" (Genesis 31:49 NEB)-have been transformed in following generations into a benediction of love and a celebration of relationship. http://journeytowardforgiveness.com/mapping/article4.asp One caveat: Forgiving doesn't always mean resuming a relationship with whoever has hurt you. If a person won't meet you halfway or has been abusive, it may be better to forgive simply to make your own life less stressful, but continue to keep your distance forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who shared the ordeal with him. "Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend. "Yes." "Well, I haven't. I'm still consumed with hatred for them," the other man declared. "In that case," said his friend gently, "they still have you in prison." That story points out this reality: ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free. http://www.sober.org/ForgVict.html In summary: If forgiveness is your destination, here are your road markers: 1. Write a letter that you will not send. Express all emotions, all conversations you have had in your head. Write the letter over and over, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions. 2. Take inventory of your actions. How did you contribute to the situation? What motivated you? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures? 3. Visualize yourself in a conversation with the other person. Tell him/her everything and see him/her listen. Hold back nothing. 4. Create compassion by understanding. Look at the other's motivations. What made his/her actions inevitable? You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand. 5. Wish him or her well. In the brunt of anger, especially then, wish him or her well. Even artificially done in the beginning, over time this will become genuine. http://www.singlescafe.net/forgive.html 6. Remember, forgiveness is for you... And God. He has forgiven you. He will help you forgive others. Is it your desire to live a healthier emotional life? If by the grace of God you want to begin practicing the art of forgiveness, would you just like to stand right where you are?