|
|
|
|
|
Return
to Book Reviews
|
The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara Coloroso (2002) Toronto: Harper Collins (This review by Ethel F. Quiring and Dr. Hugh Savage, was originally printed in the Saskatoon Adlerian Society Newsletter Number 83, December 2002. Permission was received to reprint it on the Angel Co-op site.) We found reading this book to be a very moving experience. Our world has a heightened awareness of violence because of current international situations, 9/11, school shootings, crime, and domestic violence. We are less sensitive to the roots of violence in domestic, parent-child, and child-child relationships. Coloroso addresses the issue of child-child relationships and the incidents of violence that mostly go unnoticed by adults. She points to the impact that these events have on all of the participants. Our societal norms support a variety of responses to bullying. Perhaps the most common reaction is to ignore the action, perhaps because that causes the observer the least trouble. When the social status of the bullying person is well recognized, there may be a denial that the act is actually bullying. As an example, a high school football team member's hurtful actions toward another student may be ignored; the victims may be blamed with the rationalization that they lack social acceptability. Bullying is a social event in a chain of negative social events. The bully, the bullied and the bystander all share responsibility. The bully obviously has responsibility, but those who mistreat others are almost always giving expression to the rage they feel for having been abused by someone else. Bullies typically have changed roles in the chain from bullied to bully. The bullied have responsibility; they need to discover and practice behaviours that will make them less obvious targets. They need coaching in new ways of thinking and acting as much as the bully does. Perhaps the most important people in the chain are the bystanders. Bystanders are both peers and adults. Peers need to deal with social complexities that keep them from reporting; adults need to shed the attitudes that bullying is a minor issue, that it's not their responsibility, or that the victims probably had it coming. Not to be involved is to contribute to the continuation of the cycle of violence. Regardless of the role we individually play in any incident of bullying, we are all negatively impacted by it. There is no such thing as a passive observer who is uninvolved in this process. In her lecture in Saskatoon, Barbara ended with the admonition of a holocaust survivor: "Pay attention; get involved; never look away." Bullying is an act of contempt. Coloroso makes a clear distinction between teasing and taunting, flirting and verbal sexual bullying. Teasing and flirting may be friendly activities that may have an element of mutuality in them. Taunting and verbal sexual bullying are expressions of contempt and any act toward another person that expresses contempt is destructive. It is this act of contempt which must not be ignored. The objective of a constructive response to the bully is to break the chain rather than to punish this person who has almost certainly been victimized previously. The approach that has potential to break this chain is what the book refers to as 'restorative justice.' That is a wonderful term and a wonderful concept. Coloroso is a strong advocate of discipline; in the case of bullying, discipline takes the form of following through on the three R's: restitution, resolution and reconciliation, truly restorative justice. A review of any book in the SAS newsletter may well ask: Is this an Adlerian book? Coloroso does not state in her book that she is Adlerian, although, in a private conversation after her lecture, she stated that she was Adlerian. We suspect that those Adlerians who know her work identify her as a kindred spirit. She recognizes that the behaviour involved in bullying is social and learned, two concepts that are important parts of Adlerian understandings. The bully, the bullied and the bystander are learned roles that people play in social context. The good news is that, if they are learned, they can also be unlearned and replaced by more constructive roles. She recognizes the role of early learning and the impact that parents and the home atmosphere have on the role that a child chooses in social contexts. Teachers have an impact and schools are critical in changing the cycle of violence. She is against punishment. It is learning that is important, but not what is learned through punishment. Adlerians may wonder about her insistence that adults intervene in the case of sibling bullying when Adlerian parenting recommends that they generally not intervene in sibling quarrels. From an Adlerian perspective, it is the goal of the action that is important. When it is attention-getting, it's best to follow the parenting advice. When it is the expression of contempt, intervention is necessary because the children need new learnings that will enable them to deal differently with life. One of the many positive things about this book for Canadians is the number of Canadian examples that are used. There is plenty to learn in reading the book; the use of examples we may know about is helpful both for emphasis and retention. This book is about morality-- a profound moral treatise. Although Coloroso doesn't make the point particularly, this bullying pervades all areas of life; under the guise of competition it is glorified on this continent in business, sports, politics, schools, and through the media. There is a moral and social challenge here for all of us. How can we have an impact on the bullies, the bullied and the bystanders? And what if it turns out that we are one of them? We hope that many SAS members and other readers will be moved to make this task of countering violence in all its forms a part of their mission in life. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Ethel F. Quiring and Dr. Hugh W. Savage are partners in Quiring Counselling and in life. Before opening her counselling business, Ethel served as a teacher and counsellor with the Saskatoon Public Board of Education. Hugh was a Professor in the Educational Psychology Department of the College of Education, University of Saskatchewan. Ethel was a founding member of the Saskatoon Adlerian Society (SAS), and still serves on the Board of Directors. Both are dedicated volunteers with SAS. You can go to the Saskatoon Adlerian Society site by clicking on www.saskatoonadleriansociety.org
|
