"The Spirit of Ministry is the Spirit of Heaven, and with every effort to develop and encourage it, Angels will cooperate."
- E.G.W. Ministry of Healing 401

 March 2003

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MOTHERING OURSELVES: Help and Healing for Adult Daughters

By Evelyn S. Bassoff, Ph.D., A Plume Book, Penguin Books, 1992.

As women, we are socialized to be caregivers. As women who have chosen to serve others as an expression of our spiritual ministry, we may be equipped to the teeth with spiritual gifts, experience, zeal, and talent, but…….. have we done our emotional healing?

No, this is not a “Christian” book, in that it does not quote from Scripture and is not peppered throughout with familiar “Christian” jargon. MOTHERING OURSELVES is a repository of comforting and recognizable Judeo-Christian values, if that is what you need to feel okay about reading books from the secular press. MOTHERING OURSELVES is kind of like the map you were looking for as a younger woman—one that shows you that you are on the right road in your journey, that all the detours do actually lead home after all.

Dr. Evelyn Bassoff is a gifted psychotherapist who writes about what can be one of the most complex, maybe fragile, often challenging relationships—the mother-daughter relationship. She talks about mothers—even good mothers—who unintentionally create hurts in their daughters’ lives. Beginning with a section on Woundings, which tells about the many ways we can hurt in our relationships as daughters, she moves through the “hows and whys” to lovely affirmative and encouraging Healings and, ultimately, means of Reconciliations.

What I particularly liked was the high value that Dr. Bassoff places upon mothering, and the self-esteem that flows from recognizing, “hey, I did/am doing a pretty good job of mothering after all”. My husband and I both fell in love with her explanation of the Yiddish concept of “kvelling”:

“Kvelling is the trembling joy and awe of the parent as she beholds her child in all her unique, marvelous complexity. Recently, I was deeply moved by an exchange with my elderly mother. After I had appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show to promote my first book, I sent a videotape of the program to her. Many months later she revealed that she had been watching the tape about five times a week. When I suggested that by now she must be bored to tears with it she exclaimed, “Oh no, I love it better each time. I get such joy looking at you, seeing you in your nice dress, hearing you talk so intelligent!” My mother was kvelling over me. I, in turn, felt enhanced.” pp. 15-16

I found that mending can take place. My guess is that you will find this also.

-Cynthia Zirkwitz, March 2003