Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butt-head" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
Entered From Mikey's Funnies Mikeys-Funnies@youthspecialties.com July 30, 1999

From Mikey's Funnies by Mike Atkinson @ YOUTH SPECIALTIES A Funny nearly every weekday. To subscribe go to the E-mail List Subscription Center: www.YouthSpecialties.com/special/lists.html
Entered July 30, 1999

FOOD
• You can tell the difference between Linketts and Vegelinks with your eyes closed.
• You have ever asked for a Veggie-whopper at Hungry Jack's. (Editor's note: Hungry Jack's is the Australian name for the Whimpies hamburger chain.)
• You are trying to follow the health message by being a vegetarian, but you go for seconds when the dessert tray comes around.
• You won't drink Coke/Pepsi, but can't pass up that Mars bar.
• You take a helping of Nutolene because you actually like it, not out of courtesy.
• Before you have a hot dog at the basketball, you ask to make sure it's not pork.
• You know the 101 ways to prepare chick peas.
• You find yourself going to the local Sizzler's for lunch with the excuse that, "It will only be a salad not a steak."
• You know more than 12 uses for soybeans.
• A Special K Loaf makes a regular appearance at your potlucks.
• You've eaten Numeat, Nutolene, or Vegelinks in the past month.
• You don't need an electric knife to carve your Thanksgiving turkey.
• You know that there some kinds of jelly and marshmallows are OK, but most are not.
• You've ever worried that toothpaste ingredients may include an animal by-product.
• You read labels on cans years before nutritional labelling was introduced.
• You take more time at the smorgasboard counter than the prior 6 people.
• You drive past 235 restaurants searching for something vege.
• You embarrass yourself, family, friends and clients sending the waitress back 4 times, trying to find something vege and/or kosher.
• Worry more about the caffeine in your Coke than the sugar and carbonation.
• Would die of thirst before drinking coffee (or, heaven forbid, beer.)
• You have forgotten that the food you eat is much less important than the food you share.
• You avoid low fat chicken and turkey like poison, but chow down on high fat veggie meat.
• You have ever been concerned about the enzymes in cheese.
• You will not drink coffee, but drink Caffex with 6 NoDoze tablets in it to stay awake for final exams.

  SOCIAL

• The first thing you do when you are introduced to a woman is to look at her ears.
• You went to a boarding academy that had two footpaths: one for boys and one for girls (and the two never intersected).
• You know all the basic square dance steps, but only know how to execute them to march music.
• You have sex with your spouse, but you don't dance with her/him.
• You got your sex education from Mum - handing you a book by Harold Shryock, MD
• You feel mildly guilty reading Song of Solomon.
• You know what the terms social and grand social mean.
• You or someone you know has ever been on social.
• You have heard that Adventist girls don't drink, don't smoke, don't dance, but sure know how to kiss.
• You ever wondered if the earth would last long enough to get a girl (boy) friend.
• You won't watch a movie until it comes out on video.
• You wanted to see BABE (the talking pig movie), but decided to wait for the video.
• You went to banquets instead of dances in high school.
• You know who is engaged by asking the time.
• You look at someone's hands, see no ring, and still wonder if they are married or not.
• You see a watch on somebody's right arm, and you wonder whether they are engaged, or just left-handed.
• Your first date was to vespers.

  GAMES AND RECREATION

• You know how to play poker with Bible Authors cards and wheat thins.
• You have ever looked for the angels outside a movie theatre.
• You have all the Egypt to Canaan answers memorised. (Who was the 2nd oldest man in the Bible? Jared. He lived 962 years. Next question, please.)
• You know how to turn any sport into a Sabbath sport (Bible verse ping pong, Bible Verse basketball, Bible Verse football
• the winner of each point must recite a Bible verse. Jesus Wept may only be used once per game.)
• You participate in any kind of sport on Saturday, but comment that you don't enjoy it.
• You know how to play Rook, but have never played Bridge or Hearts.
• You won't play poker or bridge but stay up in the wee hours Saturday night playing Rook or Make-A-Million.
• You wait until you are out-of-town to see a movie.

  SABBATH

• You still feel guilty when you shower on Sabbath.
• On Sabbath you catch yourself telling the children, You may wade, but don't swim.
• On Sabbath your kids can paddle around the pool/lake, but not splash, jump, or dive.
• You can calculate sundown in Adelaide from the schedule printed in the Melbourne Age.
• You know that the recorded bells ringing on Saturday evening in Avondale are the all clear.
• You define lay activities as a Saturday afternoon nap.
• You deliberately look for work in hospitals because Sabbath work is justified.
• You stay up all night Friday preparing a Sabbath talk on Temperance.
• You find yourself counting down the seconds that you can watch your favourite show on Friday evening before sundown.
• You hate seeing sundown Saturday night because it means you have to wash the accumulated dishes from Sabbath.
• You don't make up your bed on Sabbath.
• You have a feeling of satisfaction getting home on Friday from work at least 5 minutes before the sun sets.
• You find yourself counting 10, 9, 8, 7 . . . seconds before sundown Sabbath evening.
• You get frustrated when the sun doesn't go down early on Saturday night.
• You go to Sizzler's Friday afternoon to pay for Sabbath dinner.
• You go out for lunch after church, but put it on your credit card so you don't actually pay for it on Sabbath.
• You set the VCR on Friday afternoon to catch the big Saturday football game . . . and then smugly watch it after sunset (Saturday night).
• You spend Friday evening watching videotapes of last Sunday morning's It Is Written, Breath of Life, Lifestyle Magazine, etc.
• You wonder whether videotaping a program on Sabbath and watching it Sunday constitutes a sin.
• You've ever gone on a nature hike on a Sabbath afternoon.
• Friday and Saturday are your busiest days of the week.
• The words Sabbath and Saturday are interchangeable, depending on who you're talking with at the time.
• You feel uncomfortable saying Saturday instead of Sabbath because of its pagan origin.
• You do 2 days cooking every Friday afternoon.

  MISCELANEOUS.

• You pronounce Adventist as AD-ventist rather than AdVEN-tist.
• You decide to go hear that new pastor across town because your church happens to be holding Communion this Sabbath.
• You volunteer to ingather on a corner with a good view of the drive-in theatre.
• You offer to sing the carols rather than go door to door at ingathering time.
• You wear a Rolex watch but consider a wedding ring to be ostentatious.
• Your high school principal was an expert in female hemlines but was never considered risque.
• You surreptitiously check out the grocery basket of a church member you happen to meet at the grocery store.
• You see the pastor in the store and head down another aisle so he/she won't see what's in your basket.
• Your excuse for sleeping in church is that taking a shower in the morning is part of your wake up routine.
• You think of kids instead of cars when someone says Pathfinder.
• When conversing with a priest you find yourself stammering Fa.., Bro.., Pas... I mean Sir.
• You couldn't wait until your Mum said you were old enough to get some juice and crackers on Communion Sabbath+ACE-
• Your most memorable movie was One in 20,000.
• You thought Elder Fagal was actually the chaplain at Westbrook Hospital+ACE-
• You collected all the photocopied sermons from Pastor Stanley+IBk- s public meetings no matter how scared they made you. (And have at least three blue fake-leather bound Bibles with the cross attached to the zipper).
• You were amazed that the Wedgewood Trio were actually better musicians than the Kingston Trio.
• Your first Bible is plastered full of teeny-tiny bits of paper that have Bible references printed on them that you cut out, licked, then glued during Juniors.
• You collect books by a certain author but haven't gotten around to reading most of them.
• You've ever referred to high school as academy.
• The only word you'll say aloud while someone else is praying is amen, if even that.
• You more often hear about smoking, drinking, dancing, and meat eating as sins that people need to be saved from than anger, resentment or jealousy, etc.
• While in church you wouldn't dare raise both hands at the same time.
• You know an Uncle Arthur, Uncle Dan, Aunt Sue and Aunt Carol.
• You understand the following terms: ADRA, SPD, GC, PPPA, NNSW, CPUM, WPUM,TAUC, PAC, AAA, SPA, AMC, SAD, SAH, WHCC, R+ACY-H, GGCC etc. . . .
• You saved labels off of cans years before recycling became fashionable.
• You were raised thinking that drinking a coke, eating meat, and questioning the infallibility of EGW were sins, but you couldn't define the terms racism, sexism, or judgmentalism until you were in college.
• You think you're the only one who has ever had these thoughts.
• You get sad reading some of these responses.

• Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.
• Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
• Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months.
• Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
• Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man or woman in some third world country, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.
• Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance, Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
• Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
• Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, what is my purpose? Be thankful, there are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
• Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, prejudice, or insecurities, Remember, things could beworse. You could be them!!!
• Should you feel depressed because of your weight, Remember, obesity is curable: aids is not.
• Should you decide to send this to a friend, you might brighten someone's day! Be thankful for who, what and where you are in life. God Bless and always be a blessing to others.

• "Dear God, please help me be the person my dog thinks I am." - Unknown
• Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
• Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliot
• Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
• Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
• Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
• Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
• Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
• Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an ccident? - Norma
• Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
• Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
• Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
• Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that kay? - Neil
• Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had verything. - Jane
• Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
• Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
• Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
• Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise
• Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny
• Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
• Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
• Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
• Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
• Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
• Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
• Dear God, If You watch me in Church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
• Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
• Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
• Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles

• Funny how a $10.00 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the market.
• Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing, or talking on the telephone.
• Funny how long a couple of hours are when spent at church, but how short they are when watching a movie.
• Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
• Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 200-300 pages of a best selling novel.
• Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
• Funny how people scramble to get a front row seat at any games, but scramble to get a back seat at a church service.
• Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our schedule with a yearly planner, but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice.
• Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
• Funny how much difficulty some have learning the simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and explain gossip about someone.
• Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
• Funny how we are so quick to take directions from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's directions to be found.
• Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about them, rather than what God thinks about them.
• Funny how so many churchgoers sing, "Standing on the Promises," but all they do is sit on the premises.
• Funny how people think that they can get more accomplished in a lifetime without God than in an hour with him.
• Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don't have to believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything.

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
• Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Baptist - Once played always played.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Non-denominationalism - Does it really matter where the toys came from?
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
• Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
• Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

• Let's Meet At MY House Sunday Before The Game. - God

• C'mon Over And Bring The Kids. - God

• What Part Of "Thou Shalt Not . . ." Didn't You Understand? - God

• We Need To Talk. - God

• Keep Using My Name In Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer. - God

• Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage. - God

• That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God

• I Love You . . . I Love You . . . I Love You . - God

• Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God

• Follow Me. - God

• Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God

• My Way Is The Highway. - God

• Need Directions? - God

• You Think It's Hot Here? - God

• Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God

• Need A Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God

• Have You Read My No 1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Ann Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• Tuesday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

1. (Calvin standing at the front door) He yells "Mom!!!!! MoOOomm!!!"

2. (Calvin's Mother in the kitchen) She shouts back, "Calvin, if you've got something to tell me come in here and quite yelling."

3. (He tromps through the living room into the kitchen)

4. He looks up at her and says, "I stepped in dog do in the yard, Mom. Where's the hose?"

Sometimes, feeling very unqualified, I stand outside the door ashamed to go in for what's on me. Yet, I must see myself as obediently bold as lil' Calvin and let my Father wash me, cleanse me, restore me, fill me, heal me, live in me, pursue me, love me. When will I realize Papa that all my fountains are in You... He sings over me... "You are so beautiful... to me...."
Entered March 31, 1999

A: Only one. But 14 more will write newsletters about it. Seven will claim that they did it, while the other seven will claim they saw it done, and point out all the errors that occurred while doing it.
Entered Pastor Steve Johnson Waxahachie SDA Waxahachie, Texas March 31, 1999

The Catholic Dictionary:

• AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
• BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily/sermon. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
• CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
• HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
• HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
• JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
• JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
• JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
• KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
• MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
• MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
• PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
• PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
• RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

• Benign ........... What you be after you be eight.
• Artery ........... The study of paintings.
• Bacteria ......... Back door to the cafeteria.
• Barium ........... What doctors do when patients die.
• Catscan .......... Searching for kitty.
• Cauterize ........ Made eye contact with her.
• Dilate ........... To live long.
• Enema ............ Not a friend.
• Node ............. I knew it.
• Fester ........... Quicker that someone else.
• Fibula ........... A small lie.
• Genital .......... Non-Jewish person.
• Impotent ......... Distinguished, well-known.
• Nitrates ......... Cheaper than day rates.
• Outpatient ....... A person who has fainted.
• Pelvis ........... Second cousin to Elvis.
• Rectum ........... Nearly killed him.
• Secretion ........ hiding something.
• Tablet ........... a small table.
• Terminal illness ....... Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumor ............ More than one.
• Urine ............ Opposite of you're out.
• Varicose ......... Near by/close by

• December 6: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocoa and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
• December 7: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I have to shovel again. What a perfect life.
• December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
• December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
• December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
• December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
• December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
• December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying too. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
• December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to urinate. By the time I got undressed, urinated and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
• December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
• December 24: 6"... Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
• December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
• December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
• December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
• December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!!!
• December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
• December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.
• December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
• January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Dear Sir: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but it is very high maintenance. Technical Support Wife 1.0
Entered Louis Erich lerich@sonnet.com March 31, 1999

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Entered Peter Stoilov aon.912036753@aon.at Bogenhofen, Austria March 31, 1999

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
• He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
• He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

• Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
• Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
• Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
• Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
• Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
• Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
• Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
• Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
• Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
• Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth
• Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott
• Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
• Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
• Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
• Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey
• Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
• Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
• Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
• Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

One Sunday in a Midwest City a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets,"

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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He did, just then!"

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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, and please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
Entered March 29, 1999

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. - Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury.
- David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
- Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson - he brought the house down.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone?
A. It had never entered his mind before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan - the banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease but he proceeded to shake me up, and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A. Joseph; Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had 2 worms.
Entered March 28, 1999