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Men and women continually misread each other's intentions. Both wish the other would change their attitude and behaviour to become "more like me."
A body of research confirms that the biological differences between men and women greatly influence the way they behave and respond to various situations. We know that how we are nurtured and socialised by those in our environment affects how we perceive the world around us. It also impacts on how we express affection and emotion, and the different ways we go about dealing with stress, anger and conflict.
World as a contest
But the differences from simply being male or female is also a part of the equation. Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, DC, USA, found that men tend to be the more competitive They tend to see their world as "a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure."
Women tend to see themselves as an individual in a network of connections where their conversations are "negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support and reach consensus" (You Don't Understand). So women are more focused on relating and feeling a sense of intimacy and closeness.
Men tend to be more concerned about their own value, their worth and position in a hierarchy. Tannen believes that women are more collaborative, accommodating and open to compromise. Men seek to dominate and control as they assert the correctness of their position.
In order for men and women to be more successful in communicating effectively with each other, they need to understand some of the basic differences in their styles of communicating. Cris Evatt, in her book He and She, provides an interesting summary of much of the research on gender differences (see box below for an outline).
Understanding is not enough
Understanding alone will not resolve gender differences. Men and women also need to develop skills appropriate for effective communication and understanding. An excellent resource in this is John Gray's best-selling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Gray outlines 10 common complaints that are easily misinterpreted, and why men pull away when women get too close, the secret reasons why men and women argue, and how to communicate difficult feelings.
As you seek to better understand and communicate with the opposite sex, whether it be in the boardroom, the bedroom or bistro, try these helpful suggestions:
1. Listen carefully to what is being said. Pay attention to how it is said. Try to empathise with the other person and hear the total communication (both verbal and nonverbal). This will give you a great chance to connect with the feeling and the meaning behind the words being expressed.
2. Listen with your mouth shut. In other words, don't interrupt the other person until you have heard all the story. Give the other person time to make themselves clearly understood.
3. Before responding, check out with the other person what you heard them say. This will help you to clarify whether you really heard and understood what they said, and how they feel about what they said. Don't assume you received their message. Check it out before jumping to any conclusions.
4. When you give your response, be clear, honest and concise about what you think, feel or want. Be aware, however, that being totally honest can sometimes be destructive to a relationship.
5. Remain open to further dialogue as you both seek to arrive at a clear understanding and appreciation of what it is you both want, need or agree to do. You may even profit from asking the other person something like, "What do you want from me?"
6. Recognise and "celebrate" your differences. Don't let them become a barrier to your understanding each other or an obstacle to intimacy.
7. Be committed to helping each other learn the skill of effective communication. Model good relational skills and you will enhance your understanding of each other, and help the relationship to grow stronger.
The chart below gives basic differences between men and women.
CHART BEST VIEWED IN NETSCAPE
| Women tend to | Men tend to |
|---|---|
Be other-focused Be more cooperative Overidentify with people Need more closeness Fear abandonment Talk mostly about people Be more indirect in speaking Search more for hidden meanings Like to talk a problem out and take time with decisions Be better listeners Avoid intimidation Avoid conflict and confrontations Admit wrongs and self-blame Be more comfortable expressing their emotions Repress their anger Be less afraid of commitment Want more love in relationships Be more giving Seek the approval of others Be emotionally jealous and fear loss of emotional commitment |
Be self-focused Be more competitive Overidentify with work Need more distance Fear engulfment Talk mostly about things Be more decisive, and solve problems immediately Struggle for dominance and control of conversations Attempt to intimidate Like conflict, power struggles and confronting others Apologise only when it's expected and unavoidable Be taught not to show emotion Express their anger Fear or avoid commitment Want more sex in relationships Be more cautious and conscious of what they'll get Do more what pleases them Be more sexually jealous and fear loss of control |
How Well Do You Know Women and Men?
Discover how well you know the opposite sex -- and how well you know yourself. Write the numbers 1-30 on a piece of paper. Then write "true" or "false" next to the number for each of these thirty questions.
1. Women's language is more direct than men's. T/F 2. Men seek assistance from others more than women. T/F 3. Women try to change others more than do men. T/F 4. Men are more jealous than women. T/F 5. Women boast about their successes more than do men. T/F 6. Respect is a major issue in the female world. T/F 7. Men need more "space"--private time--than do women. T/F 8. Women respond better to stress than do men. T/F 9. Men seek approval from others more than do women. T/F 10. Winning through intimidation is a male skill. T/F 11. Women are more decisive than men. T/F 12. Men like to give orders more than do women. T/F 13. Women are more apologetic than are men. T/F 14. Men tend to joke and tell stories more than women. T/F 15. Women usually dominate public discussions. T/F 16. Men accept words at face value more than women. T/F 17. Women take more physical risks than men. T/F 18. Men talk about their feelings more than women. T/F 19. Women, more than men, are worriers. T/F 20. Men would rather talk about things than people. T/F 21. Women avoid verbal confrontation more than men. T/F 22. Men nag, repeating their requests, more than women. T/F 23. Women interrupt others more than men. T/F 24. Men gossip about others as much as do women. T/F 25. Women want to "get married"--and stay that way--more than men. T/F 26. On average men talk on the phone more than women. T/F 27. Women are more facially animated than men. T/F 28. A man's posture leans toward others more often than does a woman's. T/F 29. Women have about one-tenth as much testosterone as men. T/F 30. Men talk about health matters more than women. T/F What's Your Score?
Answers to the "How Well Do You Know Women and Men?" quiz above. 1. False 11. False 21. True 2. False 12. True 22. False 3. True 13. True 23. False 4. False 14. True 24. False 5. False 15. False 25. True 6. False 16. True 26. False 7. True 17. False 27. True 8. True 18. False 28. False 9. False 19. True 29. True 10. True 20. True 30. False How many correct answers did you get? 28-30 correct . . . . . . Excellent 25-27 correct . . . . . . Good 21-24 correct . . . . . . Fair Less than 20 . . . . . . Keep working on it.