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The family that looked after me when I was a babe were careless. They would let me lie in me cot for any prolonged period of time in my own vomit + dirty nappies etc.
When I was adopted, my mother often wondered why I would push her away and not allow myself to be held. This was at a very young age.
At that young age I was very disruptive and diagnosed with something called ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder]. An incorrect diagnosis as far as I am now concerned.
My mother became sick and couldn't look after me so she said to my father, 'He goes or I go.' Now to clear this up, I love my mother dearly. The Lord selected me to be her child because He wanted her in counselling. I was the 'trigger' if you please. She was the trigger to make me who I am now. Let me explain.
I was fostered out to a family who was physically, mentally and verbally abusive. They took the name Adventist but practiced none of the Adventist beliefs. Please do not get the impression that I have any grudges against this family. Far from it. In fact again I thank the Lord for placing me there. Because of these experiences I can through Jesus help numerous others who go through similar experiences.
Locked in a cupboard
One thing I didn't mention was in pre-school (before I was fostered out because of my disruptive attitude) the teachers would lock me away in the linen cupboard for an hour or something. These are not details from my faulty memory. My father told me just under a month ago.
I got sick of this way of living and took off onto the streets for a while. While out there I started experimenting with things like alchohol + drugs + sex. I moved from one refuge to another after I got sick of the street. I think the longest I stayed in one place was about six months or a little less. I was hooked on marijuana in a matter of weeks and smoking on an almost daily basis.
Soon enough [four years later] I needed something new to play with so I started playing with chemical drugs like cocaine + ecstacy + LSD + speed and got into dancing and numerous other things. I don't know how close I came to death but I know I came close a few times. But God kept me alive on purpose. The thing that drove me to the drugs and stuff was me. Because of the family I had lived with I didn't like myself and was trying everything and anything to be accepted. I was always the scapegoat at school, at home [foster family], anywhere I went if something was wrong the finger appeared and was pointed in my direction. I was sick of it.
Music determines lifestyle
An interesting point for you: - Isn't it interesting that the kind of music you listen to determines the way you live. While I was a heavy pot smoker, I loved hip-hop music. When I got into chemical drugs it was the techno music that I loved. One thing that blew me away is the kind of things + people God uses to speak to you. I lived at one place in a town called Baulkham Hills. I always had friends over at my house and every night was a party. I owned about 20 CD'S and over 100 cassettes of everyones favorite hip-hop music. You name the hip-hop artist I had or could get it. My mind was a library for the stuff.
I went out one night for a regular smoke, got home, walked into my room and put my jacket down. Walked out of my room to get something to eat. Took two steps out of my room, knew something was wrong, walked back into my room and found that all but 1 solitary box of cassette tapes had been stolen along with my stereo [which ironically was itself stolen property]. I went to the police and wanted them to do something about it. I was a thieif wanting police to catch a thief.
God was speaking to me and trying to get me to get rid of this music and other garbage I was into. I didn't listen, was booted out and living on the street for about 2 months.
Another instance was in a town called Kellyville not far away. I moved in with a friend who had been smoking so long, if you put one word in the wrong place in a sentence a volcano would erupt because he thought you were saying something else. I decided one morning to give his bong a wash so that he could smoke through a clean one. I cracked it and didn't know. He woke up, packed a cone and water started going everywhere. He started yelling and screaming at yours truly. Even threatened to jump over the table and throttle me. Man, I freaked. I stared him down and then walked out of the house. As soon as the house was out of sight I bolted to the nearest phone booth and rang my dad.
I was in tears
I was in tears as I tried to ask him for help. He was there the next day at lunch and we went out. At this lunch he told me about an offer an uncle of mine, who lives in America, had made. My uncle had been woken up in the middle of the night by the Lord and impressed to pray for me. He did. My uncle is an opal dealer so he could afford to make the offer he did. He offered to send me to a rehab in Fiji all expenses paid.
This was the FIRST real picture of Christianity I ever had . This was the first time someone had showed me they cared. I mean SHOWED me. I refused to go to rehab I decided that if God wanted me that bad He would clean me up and I wouldn't need no rehab. I didn't have enough faith in God to start off with and went on another little spree.
Six months later roughly I nearly overdosed. I was a vegetable for a full week and had to smoke to keep myself thinking so I knew I was still alive. Finally I listened to the Spirit speaking to because of another outburst by this guy. God was saying to me do you really want to end up like him? I didn't and made another phone-call to my father.
This time I was serious and asked him to pray and he did. I've worked out that if you have someone praying for you, GIVE UP, especially if they have white hair like my parents. They don't know how to shut-up. Praise the Lord for that.
I went to church that following Sabbath. My father's church. He was having a baptism. He made an appeal and Oh-boy never have I struggled so hard in my life. I sat in that church pew for what seemed like a full half-hour. Trying to put my hand up. All the drugs I had taken were hitting me in one go. The second I put my hand up I heard what seemed like a Big Bang. Everything went dead quiet.
My father's eye dropped a few tears and I knew he could sense the struggle. It must have been written all over my face. I have not had any heavy withdrawal, but unfortunately I have let Satan's lies in my mind again and believed them.
Now everytime I am tempted I cry out to God and claim 1 John 1:9, 'If we cofess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' God is strong enough to set anyone free, we just need to beleive in Him and we are free. Not once did Jesus promise an easy battle but He did promise it would be worth it.
I still get tempted, but thanks to God's redeeming power I am free through the blood of Jesus Christ. Please let us all join hands in these quest and go FORWARD ON OUR KNEES. He leans forward eagerly to hear our prayers every time we pray. Just look at the last verse in the fourth book of Hebrews. 'Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in times of need.'
If you can find something else...
Jesus wants us in His throne room. 'Unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask, dream or want. Amen' [My Own Personal Version].
I heard a sermon by George Vanderman a while ago. He made the following comment. 'If you can do or find something else that keeps your interest and you are good at it, DO IT. Ministry is not a job, is not easy. Ministry is a calling.' I have been searching for the ideal job for the last three years and I keep going back to wanting to do ministry.
God Bless all of you. Remember God can work miracles in each of your lives if you will let him. Just being alive is a miracle in itself.
P.S. If you are the foster family that looked after me I apologise for all the stress I put you guys through. I was a stressful person to look after. I am praying for you and praying that God will help me find you. Please don't feel guilty. As I said I drove myself to the things I did.
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